I am absolutely baked.
And this time, it’s not from pot.
The heat index is going to kill everyone in the state of Pennsylvania. It is so….damn….hot. There are no words to accurately describe how life-sucking the heat is here right now. Katy Perry doesn’t know what hot is in comparison to this weather. It will not only melt your “popsicle,” but it will melt your car tires. And your face. My face is melting clean off my head. My brain actually started to bake inside my skull today while I was out and about. Smoke was coming out of my ears. I don’t know what to do. Our area is in a heat advisory from 1 pm today until 8 pm tomorrow. The heat index is between 109 and 114 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s too hot to live. The Weather Channel is urging me to prepare for this extreme heat by limiting my time outdoors, avoiding alcohol, and chugging water like there’s no tomorrow. Unfortunately, my job requires me to be outside on top of roofs 12 hours a day, drunk. Looks like I’ll be needing to organize some funeral services this week. Recommendations welcome.
In addition to the life-threatening, energy-sucking, body-scorching heat in the northeast this week, we are also in an “air quality warning.” The weatherchannel.com describes what an “air quality danger zone” is:
“AN AIR QUALITY ACTION DAY MEANS THAT PARTICULATE OR OZONE CONCENTRATIONS WITHIN THE REGION MAY APPROACH OR EXCEED UNHEALTHY STANDARDS.”
Perfect. Death by ozone. Well, it was nice knowing you all.
I was flabbergasted when Kentucky Fried Chicken came out with the KFC Double Down, a sandwich even the Nutty Professor couldn’t have consumed without feeling guilty, but today on the radio I heard a commercial for a local “Friendly’s” chain, boasting of their newest sandwich that makes the KFC Double Down look like a cobb salad.
Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt: A Big Beef burger between two hot grilled cheese sandwiches, with lettuce, tomato and mayo. Tasting is believing.
Tasting is also “dying.”
“Our burgers just aren’t high enough in calories, team. What can we do to add another 1200 calories to this 1/3 pound cheese burger?”
My, god. What is America coming to? Could we BE any fatter? I would be ashamed of myself if I ever got to such a low point in my life that I cared less about my image than Lindsay Lohan cares about her career and ordered this for lunch. There is no need to make a burger with two grilled cheese sandwiches as the “bun.” I want to see the fatass that invented this. This doesn’t happen in other countries. Didn’t our people watch Supersize Me? DIDN’T THEY?!
If the heat doesn’t kill us all, this “sandwich” definitely will.
Sigh. Life on the fat track, home of the brave.
“HE’S HITTING MEEEE! HE HITS ME ALL THE TIME!”