No strings attached.

24 Jun


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^ These are the terms that people out there in the world have searched on Google most often that have led them to find and read my blog. I am astounded by how many searches bedazzled twats get. What the f*ck is “vagina conjoinment?”   “Vagi bejewled?”   “Waxing dolls?”   Who are my viewers? I’m uncomfortable.

I’ve never been good at accessorizing. My issue with purchasing accessories is that they get expensive quickly when you have to buy several different ones for various outfits, and I have issues with buying individual accessories at a time because they will only match a couple of outfits, making it very difficult for me to choose any accessory at all, be it jewelry, belts, or shades. Therefore, I have never bought accessories. Until Forever 21 came along, that is. $3.80 for five bangles? $4.50 for a locket necklace? $5.80 for knock-off Ray Bans? I can’t stop. Here’s the problem with Forever 21 and my finances: they clash. I go into the store and start browsing, exclaiming, “Wow, this is so cheap! I’m not going to hardly spend any money!” But instead of buying 2 or 3 items at $40 apiece, I buy 11 or 12 items at $13 apiece. This does not save me money. They trick me. They suck me in.

Cheap as dirt though. That’s what I like. I can get an entire outfit there for less than a McDonald’s #6 value meal. Too bad their threads fall apart faster than Jennifer Lopez’s marriages. Forever 21 should be called “21 Days,” because that’s actually how long their clothing lasts before it unravels into a rat’s nest while you’re walking through the grocery store two weeks after purchasing.

The people in foreign countries that work to sew and make Forever 21’s clothing must make less than what Martin Brest earned on Gigli. (Fail). I bought a sexy black dress from Forever 21 for my bachelorette party for $10.80. Granted, the zipper busted off the first time I put it on and I had to go exchange it for a new one, but you can’t get a box of tampons for less than that anymore. I’d like to thank the poverty-stricken citizens of Bangladesh and Taiwan that put together these dresses and tunics and jewelry so mediocrely though, because it gives me the ability to look like a million bucks for less than $20.

…for like a week.

Rinse, repeat.

Trent and I are moving to Pennsylvania this week for our roofing gig. I’m a little pissed we have to travel 19 hours and 1,100 miles across the country again, but beggars can’t be choosers. Ideally a violent hail storm would tear across Omaha and we could just stay here, but then neither of us would actually work, and we would both become obese. I have been on a 12 day food-binge since our wedding day. It’s uncomfortable. I’m not even happy about it anymore. I’m really looking forward to being stuck in the truck for 11 hours each day for the next two days without any food at all. I realize I’m married now, but I’m barely 22. I can’t let myself go quite yet.

“Do you ever want to tell people that they aren’t important?”



One Response to “No strings attached.”

  1. cassiecares June 25, 2010 at 3:59 am #

    I hope you found that pic of Forever 21, and that you didn’t take it outside of the store. Otherwise people would think you’re a mail-order bride from Russia and you just saw cheap clothes for the first time.

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