Eye Spy.

18 Apr

Houston, we have a problem. Call a code red—somebody escaped from McLean Psychiatric Hospital.

…and created this:

Let me introduce you to the latest atrocity the cosmetic industry has come out with. “Eye Envy.” The only thing this product makes me “envy” is blind people. I’m really not sure whether to start with the application process or the patterns of this makeup phenomena. They’re both equally startling.

“Wow, I really love your camouflage eye shadow; it really brings out your smile. Are you auditioning for Tropic Thunder?” Were the creators of this particular pattern recently inspired by Sylvester Stalone’s 2008 remake of Rambo? What is it about guerilla warfare that brings out the beauty in a woman? Is there really anything that correlates Marine fatigue and eye shadow? Anything at all? I didn’t think so. Next.

I am a true and tried lover of animal print, don’t get me wrong. But there are certain places that animal print does not belong. Eyelids is one of them, and Burt Reynolds’ naked body is the other. On a purse? Sure. Detail on a hot pair of heels? Definitely. Sexy bra? Absolutely. Eyelids? Go to hell. I remember when the worst type of eye makeup a girl could encounter was just that tacky blue stuff. These eye tattoos have taken hideous cosmetics to an entirely new level. I can’t even keep up. Not even hookers would sport an eye shadow pattern this bad.

Stick on eye makeup. Interesting. I remember stick on earrings, back when I was five. What a terrible idea to fuse this invention with Maybelline. Just say no, girls.

…and sexually confused boys.

In other news, I just cooked up a mess of fried onions and scrambled eggs, and drenched it in probably 1/3 of a cup of Cholula. My mouth is literally aflame. I could kindle a fire with my breath right now. My nose is running like Forrest Gump. There is no extinguishing this relentless burning. It hurts so bad, but it’s so good. Onions are quickly turning into one of my favorite foods. There is quite possibly nothing on this planet that smells better frying in a pan than onions do. MMMM. So tasty. Unfortunately they make your breath stink like ass, but that’s something that a half a tube of Crest Wintergreen Toothpaste can neutralize.

Sort of.

It’s a shame that things that taste so good can make your breath smell so wretched. Onions, garlic, for one reason or another—Twizzlers—why must it be like this? Life’s not fair.

Just when you think it can’t be done, KFC goes and proves you wrong. Kentucky Fried Chicken has outdone itself, if this is even possible. Now the greasiest, most fattening, high cholesterol food has gotten even greasier. Allow me to introduce you to the newest, fastest way to become eligible for a triple-bypass:

The KFC “Double Down” Sandwich. Also known affectionately as “Heart Attack In A Bag.” Are you serious? A sandwich made of two giant deep fried chicken breasts with double fatty cheese and greasy bacon in between? Does this diarrhea-wich come with a side of Lipitor? How fast do you want to die? That’s a question you need to ask yourself before ordering this item. Another question might be, “How much does my sex appeal matter to me?” or “Can I fit bowel Holocaust into my schedule this afternoon?” If you hate your physique, your colon, and your dignity, this sandwich may be for you.

WELL, I’m off to finish the other blog I started to write at the same time as I was writing this one. Why do I do this? Oh well.

Trent: “So what do you like to do in your spare time?”
Surfing instructor in Costa Rica: “Oh, you know. Read, surf, hang out, make cheesecakes.”

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2 Responses to “Eye Spy.”

  1. Mike Monroe April 19, 2010 at 10:23 am #

    I love how you SLAM the animal-print eye decor and then secretly plan to use it at your wedding.

    The slam-job is just a front so others don’t show up with the same print. Kind of like that South Park episode where Satan had a Halloween party and told everybody not to show up as THE CROW… and then CROWed himself out hard-core.

    Yeah… kinda like that. lol.

  2. beccasheppard April 19, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    Mike, I’m just trying to surprise people….THANKS FOR RUINING MY SPECIAL DAAAAY!!!!!

    🙂

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