23 Mar

I’ve noticed a hideous trend developing in the world of cosmetics recently. What is this fad, you ask? Pale, nude-colored lipstick.


Cropping up every now and again on my newsfeed are photos of girls with invisible lips; lips painted flesh-colored, blending almost perfectly with their faces. Pale lipstick is disgusting. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Why would you want to look like you have no lips? This isn’t a mistake that even Stevie Wonder could have made. Nude lips is like wearing nude panties. It’s horrifying.

It really bothers me that people choose to practice hygienic habits that make them less attractive. For example, over-plucked eyebrows. How do you over-pluck your eyebrows? I can understand maybe you’re like 14 years old, just starting to figure things out, and you’re still nicking yourself shaving your legs, accidentally dyeing your hair coppery orange trying to go blonde, and not quite getting a handle on your tweezers, but doing it nowadays, after years of practice? No excuse. Not even if you’re a heavy drinker. Well, maybe if you’re a heavy drinker. But still.

Then there are the Mexicans:

Boy, Mexicans sure have things under control in the kitchen, but they have some bigger fish to fry when it comes to taking care of their brows. Is this style on purpose? Do they wax their eyebrows completely off, and then replace it with a lip-liner pencil? (Or a Sharpie; whichever is handier). Do they not notice that they look like shit? I’m curious. Is anyone out there Mexican? Can you explain this to me? I’m not even trying to be rude at this point; I genuinely just want an explanation.

Oh, and don’t think I would leave this topic without mentioning the gayer-than-Perez Hilton-t-shirt. This girl spent money on this shirt (allegedly). Think about it.

While we’re bitching about the uglies out there, take a bite of this:

“These people exist. Think about that for a second.”

This hag was found on one of my favorite websites as of late, . Probably one of the scariest people I’ve ever seen. In fact, this person is a true combination of all of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to appearance. 1) The gross pale lipstick. 2) A hideous, hideous oompa loompa tan. 3) Over-plucked eyebrows. 4) Stupid ass duck face. Who does this to themselves? On purpose? Good lord.

I’m really, really thirsty. I have been thinking about getting up and fetching a bottle of water for probably twenty minutes now. Why am I not taking action? I am literally 17 feet or less from the refrigerator. My laziness is unparalleled. Someone get me a bottle of Nestle PureLife, stat.

Time to eat food. Ta ta for now.

Me: “What are the lyrics to that one Christmas carol? ‘Up, on, the housetop, _______? I can’t remember what it says.”
Trent: “I think it’s like, ‘Up, on the housetop, snip, snip, snip.”

^ Actual exchange between Trent and I.


One Response to “Naked.”

  1. Chamberland March 30, 2010 at 12:10 pm #

    You’ve taken some pretty hideous photos before, Becker. I know putting other people down is fun to read, but you’ve been doing it the same way for years. It’s like reading a ninth grade Xanga rant, only with less smileys.

    This is one reader who ain’t coming back, for a while.


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