20 Mar

“DEF! I like La Mesa’s Margaritas! Hehe, but Antojito’s puts their food to shame! What La Mesa you guys go to? Hehe, maybe I can get Bob liquored up after dinner tonight…hehe!”


That is a post I read a moment ago on Facebook by some dumb broad who apparently laughs like a chipmunk, assuming chipmunks have a laugh. Sigh. I hate people.


I’m on the interstate riding through Pennsylvania now. Trent and I left Indiana this morning, drove through Ohio (which by the way has an unusual amount of barns), and now we’re driving through large forested hills and over bridges covering streams and rivers. We left at about 8:30 this morning, and now it’s 1:30 in the afternoon. I feel like we’ve been driving for days already. Fortunately I purchased an AC adapter in Wal-Mart on Thursday that allows me to plug an outlet into my cigarette lighter to charge my laptop in the car. Er go, I have been Facebooking for the majority of the morning. Being on the computer makes me marginally car sick, but I’m too bored to stop. Hopefully I don’t barf on the dashboard. I think we paid a deposit for things like that though.

I hate getting fibrous fruits stuck in between my teeth. I packed a big sack of nectarines and plums for this trip so that I wouldn’t drive through McDonald’s and consume solely french fries and chicken McNuggets this entire trip, which, don’t get me wrong, I would enjoy, but I would also gain six pounds and ruin every septic tank between Toledo and Hartford. Plus it would add at least 90 minutes to our total travel time. I don’t have time for that sort of a commitment. Anyway, I’ve been slurping away on juicy nectarines and plums throughout the day, and I keep getting stringy pieces of fruit wedged in between my incisors. It’s frustrating. I need floss. I haven’t used floss since like 4th grade when I thought I was cool for doing it for some reason. WHAT DO I DO???

I don’t know what Wi-Fi stands for, and I don’t think I ever will. Wireless Fi….something. Does anyone know the answer to this question? Don’t google it and then tell me, because that doesn’t count as knowing. If you already know, you are free to inform my ignorant ass. Anyway, I’m really, REALLY glad it exists.

A new up-and-coming “beauty trend” has hit the market recently, and I am perplexed by it to say the very, very least. This new fad? “Vajazzling.” Not sure what that word means? Remember when we learned conjoining root words back in elementary? Well, here’s a hint: the root words are “vagina” and “bedazzling.”

Beautician at Completely Bare Spa, Cindy Barshop, raves about the new procedure at their beauty spa where now not only can you laser treat your legs, wax your eyebrows, and get a massage, but you can also diamond-stud your hot-spot like it’s a pair of denim jeans back in the 7th grade. Interesting.

Vajazzling is done by applying Swarovski crystals to your uh, “bikini” region in whatever pattern you so choose. Kind of like stick-on earrings, except dirtier. Why would anyone feel the need to bling out their twat? Explain this to me. Having a jewel-studded vagina can’t be a comfortable thing, either. What happens with you hitch your panties on your crotch? How do you have sex? We’re talking about friction of the worst kind. Someone could get hurt. According to the beauticians working at Completely Bare, Vajazzling has become a popular “gift” for brides-to-be, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day for their man. Maybe I’m a little unorthodox, but if I were a guy, I would not appreciate this procedure, nor would I consider it a gift. “Thanks….for the brush burn.” May as well give your man scabies instead. It’s cheaper, and just as irritating.

And why bother using expensive jewels on your vag when they’re going to fall off like sequins on a dance team uniform in no time? You’re walking along in the mall when tiny diamonds start sprinkling out from your pant legs, leaving a trail behind you like Hansel and Gretel. You sit down to tinkle and “splash,” half of your pube-decor plops into the toilet. And how do you de-Vajazzle yourself? I don’t support this new trend, but apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt does.

If I ever get a wild hair up my ass and decide to decorate my hot pocket, I would go in and get a huge american eagle Vajazzled across my la-coo-caracha. Or a Nascar racecar. You know, something classy. I would give myself nicknames, too. Like “Crystal Crotch,” and “Twinkle Twat.”

Don’t turn your crotch into a disco ball, ladies. Keep your jewelry where it belongs. Your earlobes, bellybuttons, and your nipples (you know, if you’re a stripper). Kidding. I would never, not in a million years, get my nipples pierced. I would almost rather burn to death in a fire than have my nipples pierced. I can barely have my nipples touched without experiencing discomfort, and people volunteer to have needles stabbed through theirs? No.

Well, enough about vaginas and areoles for now, if there is such a thing.


“Listen—you don’t tell me that I’m a dictator unless I TELL you you can call me a dictator.”


2 Responses to “Bejeweled.”

  1. Ger March 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    There! Now I’m finally commenting on your Bolger instead of on facebook. Now you better respond back if you know what’s good for you.:) Btw there is absolutely no way I’m getting “vagazzled” anytime in my life. I thought it was bad enough when guys/girls get their coochie pierced. I’m not gonna pay someone to have a cool coochie. Mine is just fine the way it is.:)

  2. Ben Applegate March 23, 2010 at 11:36 pm #

    I think the Fi in wifi stands for fidelity. Kind of like the quality of a sound or picture, high or low fidelity.

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