The ol’ 1, 2.

14 Mar

There are several maneuvers I’d like to try on an attacker in the event that I ever find myself in an assault situation. These are the moves that, while watching movies, I chime in during a fight scene and say, “If that were me, I would [insert clever maneuever] and take him out!” Who needs ju jitsu when you can do a few simple moves and take the bitch down? Some tactics I’ve always wanted to try on an attacker:

1) The eye gouge. There are so many opportunities for a sneaky eye gouge, and the great thing about it is, you don’t have to be big, strong, or athletic to execute one. Is someone choking you with their hands around your neck? Don’t waste your time trying to pry their bloodthirsty grip from your throat; you’ll be unconscious in seconds. Instead, like a striking cobra, make a peace-sign and stab your attacker straight in the eyes with your fingers. I don’t care if you’re King Kong or Chuck Norris, no one can handle an eye gouge.

2) Throat punch. There would be nothing more gratifying to me than throwing my fist into an assailant’s trachea, crushing it like a pop can if he is so deserving. Equally as satisfying would be a karate chop motion to the throat. Again, no matter how muscular or tough your predator is, there are no workout exercises for your air pipe. Can Intruder X lift a car over his head with his arms alone? Don’t care. His windpipe is still no tougher than an ear of corn. Haul back and sock that man right in the neck. Win.

3) The knee-to-the-face. If an aggressor violently came after me, and I have already applied the eye gouge and the throat punch, my next plan of action is the knee to the face. They’ve already lost their sight, and partially the ability to breathe, plus they’re about as stunned as a robin after flying into a living room window. Now it’s time to grab the attacker by the hair with both hands, and slam their face into your knee.


I think I’ve been playing too much Mortal Combat.

Kidding. I’m no gamer.

Anyway, these are just a few self defense mechanisms that I would really enjoy practicing on an attempted mobber, rapist, or intruder. GIMME A REASON, criminal. Gimme a reason.

I’m really into Twix right now. There used to be a time when I ate a Twix every single day, Monday through Friday (insert fat joke). This was the same time during my life that I was no better looking than the backside of a buffalo: middle school. Oh yes, the cafeteria’s “a la carte” line: trays full of Rice Krispie treats, snickerdoodles, and funnel cakes covered the tables, next to stacks of Cool Ranch Doritos, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, and Lays. Then, at the end of the line toward the cash register, were the rows of Twizzlers, Milky Way bars, Skittles, Starbursts, and then, in all of its shiny, golden wrapped glory, the Twix bars.

Mmmm. Delicious milk chocolate encasing the crisp shortbread center covered with a thick, creamy layer of glowing caramel. Ohhh. So good.

Ironically, for the longest time I thought that I hated caramel without ever giving it a chance. I’m strange like that. For almost my entire life, I decided that ranch dressing was disgusting. I had never even tasted it. One day I decided to just try it out, and now you can catch me eating ranch on everything from french fries to pizza and cheeseburgers. It’s delicious. A few foods I’ve never come around on still are dill pickles (gag me), olives, and mustard. Ugh. Those foods, too, were ones I decided to blacklist before ever tasting them. I am proud to say that at this stage in my life, I have matured enough to at least try each of them out, but they’re still awful. If you like olives, we aren’t friends. Sorry.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, I love Twix. Two for me, none for you.

“Members of the faculty, faculty members, students of Iowa, and Iowa students. I guess that covers everything.”
—paraphrased from Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff


2 Responses to “The ol’ 1, 2.”

  1. Mike Monroe March 15, 2010 at 3:29 pm #

    This is beyond hilarious…

    …yet, at the same time, the most practical thing I’ve read all day. I’m going to go pick-a-fight, FIGHT CLUB style.

  2. beccasheppard March 15, 2010 at 4:54 pm #

    Are you telling me you’re going to go punch yourself in the face?

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