Freakaleeks.

14 Mar

Due to my extensive traveling over the past couple of months, I have had an opportunity to spot and capture some real “freaks from the streets” as I have recently dubbed them. You know, the people you find in public that make you wonder how they were created. Anyway, here’s a nice selection to mock and laugh at. Naturally as we entered the airport terminal to leave for Costa Rica, I was prepared to secretly snap camera phone pictures of all the freakaleeks lurking about. I mean, it was 4:30 in the morning for crying out loud. In order of appearance: Let’s meet contestant number one, straight out of our hometown MCI Airport:

Uhh, security? Jeepers Creepers has breeched the secure area. I feel like this man has wings and talons. This individual was taking a direct flight to Israel, I overheard. It also appears that he is bringing a refrigerator along. I wonder if it passed the weight regulation. Next.

This woman’s outfit was against the law. She had curly, sparkly pink ribbons in her hair, like the kind you decorate your 6 year-old niece’s birthday present with, a lavender and pink fanny pack (always an offense), and a skirt that could double as a denim parachute. Not good.

Get your zoom on folks, but that person toward the back of the gate is a girl. Not just any girl. This is a crying girl, staring through the glass at her boyfriend, mouthing words, and texting back and forth. Ridiculous. Couldn’t they have taken care of this emotional breakdown prior to her departure? The worst part about this one is that she’s Asian. Good lord.

….

This photo took a lot of effort to finally get. I took probably 7 or 8 subpar pictures before scoring this broad in all of her glory. This is one of those cases where you have to pause to take a moment and wonder, did this crazy bitch look in the mirror and think, “Damn, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” before she left that morning? Where to start. This woman’s outfit? Her hairstyle? Where do I begin? I’m almost overwhelmed by this one. This woman looks like a a truck load of Fruit Roll Ups crashed into a pyramid of Laffy Taffy. Did she come straight from the African American version of Candy Land? Her hair? She looks like an overweight Bratz Doll. Appalling.

The fashion police are going to be working double-shifts at this rate. Where does it end? It looks like this woman took a journey back to the fifth grade and Bedazzled her jeans. Nice palm tree and pineapple patches, Linda. Is this a dare? The Goodwill wouldn’t even accept these pants as a donation. Next.

Can somebody explain to me how I can’t get past security with a pair of fingernail clippers in my makeup bag, but this woman can stroll on through with an entire shark jaw? What is she even doing with this? Where did she get it? Does it count as a piece of carry-on luggage? I’m getting more and more confused about the “sharp objects” regulations with every passing trip.

Sigh. Great. Another foreigner trying to stay true to traditional customs while still creatively expressing herself. This Arab girl resembles a grape-flavored Tylenol Chewables container. There is more purple going on in her side of the terminal than on the set of Barney & Friends. To make matters worse, if you look close enough, her shirt is a purple picture of the classic children’s favorite, Kermit the Frog.

Kill yourself.

I think the only way to end this debauchery is with the cankle photo of the day. My, god. These tree trunks could anchor a family of four in the event of a tornado, that is if her wedgie didn’t frighten it off first. What possessed this woman to ever, ever sport a pair of shorts? The word “shorts” shouldn’t even be a part of her vocabulary. Hide those pillars. Hide them good. Sorry if I just ruined your appetite, readers. Unless, of course, your legs look like that lady’s. Then you (and your legs) could probably benefit from a skipped meal or 30.

Anyway, that’s about all that I, and you, can handle for the time being. Don’t even worry though–there are plenty more where that came from.

“We can always go to the courthouse, but, we can’t ungo to the courthouse. Ya know?”

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One Response to “Freakaleeks.”

  1. missmkb March 16, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

    This reminds me of the man I met in Barcelona at my hostel. His name was Jesus (I figured he was from some sort of spanish decent, like HEY-ZEUS) but as time went on I learned that he was in fact pronounced GEE-ZUS and he lived in a bed full of balloons. Literally hundreds of balloons. I also learned he was named Jesus, not because that’s what his birth parents gave him, but because he believed he was the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazarath. He ended up going ape shit on some kid and telling him the world was ending in 2 days and we were all evil fucks so get ready for hell, then he told the kid to scram because he had more important things to do- then I looked down at what he was doing and he was coloring in coloring books with markers. I don’t know if that would be my worst nightmare for Jesus to actually be like that or if a pot-smoking, coloring, dread-locking wearing Jesus would actually be awesome.

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