Extreme Makeover.

10 Mar

Has anyone else seen Heidi Montag’s new marathon makeover? My, GOD. As I waited in line at the grocery store the other day, I flipped open a People Magazine and stopped at an article about the previous Hills star having 10 cosmetic procedures in one day. After already going through a rhinoplasty and a boob job during the past year, Monfag went ahead and got her tits upped to a top-heavy size DDD, got more work done on her nose, a brow lift (usually reserved for middle-aged women over the age of 40, by the way), lipsuction in her already size zero thighs and stomach, her ears tucked back, a chin job (those exist?), and a buttocks augmentation. What was this, like a buy 10 get 1 free sale?

In reference to Montag’s new body, “friend” and past co-star of Heidi, Lauren Conrad, commented, “It’s a look.”

….Yeah. A shitty one.

Heidi also announced that she’s certainly not through with her plastic surgery procedures. In fact, as soon as she is able, she would like to enlarge her breasts to a bra size H for Heidi.

…..

More like H for “Holy shit I can’t get up anymore because my tits are the size of the Epcot Center in Disney World.”

Listen, Heidi. Making the size of your knockers match your name is not like picking out a pendant for a necklace. You can’t just make your boobs a certain size because the size of the bra corresponds with the spelling of your name. Are you serious? What do people like Victoria Beckham do if this trend catches on? She can barely handle an apricot without falling over, let alone carry around tits the size of medicine balls. And what does this say about Joan Rivers? Joan worked very hard to brand her swollen-corpse look. It’s not very fair to copy her now, is it?

Is she trying to improve her singing career? Listen, Heidi–being more attractive (which is not the direction you’re going with your Michael Jackson tendencies) is not going to help your music career. Only being able to actually sing is going to help you there. Maybe save your money on your tits and get your brain looked at.

Dumb.

While we’re on the topic, some people are truly delusional in their beliefs about being a celebrity lookalike. In lieu of this Doppelganger Week phenomena, pictures of Heidi Klum and Jessica Alba have been sprouting up on my news feed faster than dandelions in the heart of April. Listen, [insert girl I graduated with]–you look about as much like Megan Fox as Barack Obama looks like Martha Stewart. Get over yourself.

I am tired of seeing these “1 Weird Tip for a Flat Stomach” ads in the margin of my webpages. Put your MasterCards back in your wallets, folks. I have the one “weird” tip for you right here, and I’ll give it to you free of charge:

Eat

Less

Food.

Maybe that’s three tips. Depends on how you read it. Cripes, am I the only person on earth that understands this? Eat less, exercise more. The end.

Well, off to be artsy and craftsy.

“People get lost in Mexico all the time!”

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