Atkins.

9 Mar

SIGH.

Why must my body constantly crave carbs? Carbs are the enemy. All I want to munch on, 24 hours a day, are crunchy, starchy, carbohydrates. Crackers, cereal, nachos, rice cakes, bread, pasta–it never ends. This would be fine if they didn’t make me more bloated than a bitch on the rag, or contain 4,000 calories per serving. Blast. Why can’t I just crave spinach constantly? I would have a hotter body than Adriana Lima. Is there a carb-desiring-suppressant available on this earth? I’m being tortured by the lower level of the food pyramid.

I am thinking about going to get a professional massage tomorrow. Not that I’m particularly sore or achy lately, I just have nothing else to do, and it sounds like a good idea. I rarely do things to pamper myself. For example, I have not once experienced getting a manicure or a pedicure in my life, ever. Not for a homecoming dance, not for a wedding, not for a birthday or a hot night on the town. Do I know what I’m missing? WhO wAnTs a GuUuRLz dAy?! lol

Kill me.

Does anyone remember when it War Heads were popular? It was like a social rite of passage to eat dozens of War Heads on the bus in the 6th grade. War Heads were so sour and acidic. They literally burned holes through the roof of your mouth. “AHHH this is sizzling through my soft palette, but it’s so good though!” Then there were the “socially disturbed” kids who snorted the sour powder inside the War Head like it was Columbian cocaine. Those are the kids who had lunch detention three days a week, and later pierced their tongues and got blue streaks in their hair. Freaks. I always loved the black cherry flavored War Heads. Mmm. I would eat them until my esophagus rotted away. Someone bring them back.

I have to pack my things tonight to be ready to fly to Chicago tomorrow morning for the Year End Banquet for work. I hate flying. It’s not that I hate flying itself, it’s that I hate all the bullshit I have to go through to be ABLE to fly. All these ridiculous rules about what and how much of certain things you can put in your luggage really chap my ass. For example, you cannot have fingernail clippers in your carry-on. FINGERnail clippers, for crying out loud. How the hell am I going to hijack an airplane using a cosmetic tool the size of a green bean whose blade only opens 1/16th of an inch? Am I going to clip the pilot to death?

“Liquids must be contained in containers 2 oz. or less, and sealed in a sandwich-size zip loc baggie.” …Someone explain to me how I am going to make a bomb explosive enough to blow a hole in the side of a 747 with Pantene Pro-V and an ounce and a half of makeup remover. It’s not going to happen. And the zip loc? We’re trying to go green here, Delta. This seems like a waste. Help me understand how putting my mouth wash and body lotion in a sandwich bag is going to be taking a step toward safety in any way, shape, or form. Stop ruining my life. I just want to travel hassle-free.

Time to watch You’re Welcome America with Will Ferrel. Hopefully it makes me pee my pants.

“GET A TABLE!!!!”

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