It just makes “scents.”

7 Mar

While working the RV and boat show over the weekend, I spent the entirety of my shifts being tantalized by the delicious aroma wafting over from the booth next to ours. It wasn’t pulled pork or pasta this time though. It was better. Waxy creations of baked apple pie, fresh laundry scents, caramel delight–you name it. This brand, Scentsy, is a wickless candle company that makes orgasmic scented wax that you melt in a light-bulb powered heater. I gazed over there when I first arrived on the scene after spotting a zebra print contraption, to overlook the inventory. I knew it wouldn’t be long until I scampered over there and stuck my nose deep into 30 or 40 jars of wax.

A break presented itself in toward the end of the evening on Saturday. Business had slowed and the crowds were dwindling. I saw this as my opportunity to scuttle around the booth and start sniffing. My choice in candle aromas favor the baked goods and holiday scents. I’m not one to enjoy the really flowery/fruity smells. The first one I spotted knocked me out of my boots. It was called “toasted caramel sugar.” When the smell traveled into my nasal passage, I drooled on myself. It was good enough to lick. It took every ounce of self control I had not to touch my tongue to the jar. About two or three dozen jar-sniffs later, I came across a wax called “Satin Sheets.” I gave myself a migraine smelling it. It was so delicious. I had to have it.

“ALLLLLright, Carolyn,” I gave in. “I cave. This toasted caramel sugar stuff is quite possibly THE most delicious thing I have ever smelled. You got me. Pack up the zebra holder.”

Sweet little Carolyn gave me a nice deal and loaded up my bag. I carried it around the booth and back into my area, pleased as punch. Another twenty minutes go by, and we have still had no more customers. I’m bored, so I decided to go back over to their booth and continue teasing my nostrils.

That’s when my senses fell upon and had sexual relations with a wax flavor called “Hemingway.” Oh, my, god. The most fantastic smell to ever grace my nose. On top of that, I discovered they sold concentrated room sprays as well. I had to have it. Yet again, I upsold myself. Long story short, I ended up with nearly $80 worth of room-freshening wax wickless candles and room sprays, for about $55. My basement smells better than Brad Pitt after a shower.

The fog? Did I sleep walk to MCI and fly myself to London, England last night? The air is thicker than porridge. I practically need a lighthouse with a blinking beacon to get from my driveway to the grocery store in one piece. I feel like I need a fog horn to warn people that I am cutting through the fog into the intersection. Somebody get me one.

Let me introduce you to my newest favorite Jell-o sugar-free pudding snack:

MMMMmmmm……Dulce de Leche. Caramel and vanilla had a baby, and that baby tastes like a cup full of sugar-free heaven. Jell-o is really keeping me happy in their low-calorie delectable treat department (I think that’s what they call it). I wonder what they’ll come up with next. Four course pot roast dinner with gravy flavor? Only sixty calories, is it possible?

I really wish I wasn’t allergic to my eye makeup. Not just my eye makeup, but all eye makeup. This is a recent development, like new over the past year. Suddenly, my eyelids began swelling and itching intensely. This is unfortunate, because without eye makeup, I look like six year old boy named Danny. The only thing that keeps my aggressive allergic reaction below a 5 is by taking Zyrtec daily. Does this do away with the itching and irritation? Not entirely, but it helps. Am I choosing being pretty over being healthy? Yup. What else is new.

Remember when it wasn’t cool to wear your backpack with both straps on? Whose stupid idea was that? How is it uncool to not dislocate one of your shoulders by giving it the sole responsibility of 22 pounds of reading material? “Look at Timmy wearing his bookbag correctly. What a douchebag.” No. Look at Brian ‘Too Cool’ Hampton with his retarded twisted spine, he looks like he has Huntington’s disease. But damnit he sat at the popular table at lunch in middle school! Dumb.

Off to watch House as usual. The ol’ night cap.

“Bill and I are drinking red wine and discussing politics. I just met Bill, I know nothing about politics, and wine makes me stupid. Now what?”


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