Wipe Out.

28 Feb

I’m sitting here in the basement, huddled up directly next to a tiny space heater, inhaling the lung-collapsing odor of nail polish remover, shivering my ass off, watching House Hunters on HGTV. This is how I traditionally spend New Year’s Eve. Kidding. Usually I’m not this cold. I’m knocked out cold, due to alcohol abuse of course. My how things have changed. As a side note, after I uploaded the above photo, Facebook suggested the following tag:

Hahaha. Oh…yes.

Trent and I are making spaghetti and meatballs tonight and enjoying eleven consecutive episodes of House. I can hardly wait. Trent always tries to complicate simple things like this though.

“We should make spaghetti tonight,” I suggest. It seemed like an easy, delicious choice.

He gasps, “–with meatballs??” he says wantingly, eyes as big as saucers.

“Sure.” I figured he would pick up a bag of frozen balls of meatballs as a simple addition.

“Great! I’ll look up a recipe.” He has decided to cook. Spaghetti has now gone from a 2 on the difficulty scale to a 7. Haha. I love him. He makes my life more delicious.

Why do companies go through the trouble of producing “decorative” toilet paper? It seems like an enormous waste of money and machinery. I am staring at a package of Angel Soft “Pretty Prints” toilet paper. Who decided that this would improve somebody’s wiping experience?

“Should I get the Quilted Northern or the Angel Soft? Hmm…..I think I’ll go with the decorative toilet paper this time. My asshole will really appreciate the change of scenery.”

Listen, folks. No matter what “scenery” you give your poop-shoot, it won’t change the fact that shit is still coming out of it. Don’t waste your time.

Someone needs to expose Justin Bieber for what he really is: a 12 year old girl named Jennifer. Surely by now you’ve heard the annoying, repetitive pop tune lyrics of, “One less lonely girl (x1,000).” I’ll be honest, until I saw the music video (by accident) on television yesterday, I seriously thought that it was a song by Keri Hilson, reaffirming my suspicion that she was, in fact, a lesbian. (I originally developed this theory when she starred in the re-mix of R. Kelly’s Number 1 Sex, where she sings Ooh girl, what I’m about to do to you girl, gon’ make your toes curl’–an odd choice for a female to sing). ANYway, a couple days ago while listening to the radio, I heard it and thought, “Wow, Keri Hilson is really not hiding the fact that she munches rug. Why don’t I hear more about her being a famous lesbian? Oh well.”

Either way, this “boy” popped out of a teeny-bopper making machine, literally. They make them all look exactly the same; Aaron Carter, Jesse McCartney, now Bieber–they’re clones, and they all do this stupid finger-shaking/pointing move in their music videos.

What IS this move? Who taught him this gesture, his disgruntled, scolding grandmother? The finger shaking is usually coupled with a sing-song “Nooo, no, no…!!!” I’m not understanding. Also, the story that goes along with the music video? (Again, I would like to reassure everyone that I did not intentionally view this material) The scene: A random creeper steals an article of clothing (a scarf) from your laundry at the laundromat. They leave a note behind informing you. On top of that, they leave a trail of stalker-like hints for you to travel all over kingdom-come to get it back. Listen, folks–if this happens to you, say fuck the scarf, and change laundromats. Dear lord.

The point is, Justin Bieber is a girl.

I have done nothing but watch Law & Order: SVU today. Literally, nothing else. My laziness is not what concerns me though. What perplexes me is why nothing else is on television. I thought I was watching USA, but it is clear that this is just the Law & Order channel. I’m not mad. In fact, I’m tickled pink. I’m trying to find anything to fill the void that Dexter has left me nowadays. I have only viewed seasons 1-3, since they are on DVD. Trent and I blitzed through every single episodes faster than Tiger Woods’ strange was exposed. Unfortunately, we were still bull-dozing through the third season while the fourth season was airing on television. This is a problem, because the release date of the fourth season is unknown. What am I going to do until then? At least my mom gave me Season 5 of House for Christmas. That will take the edge off, at least for a little while. Withdrawal…it’s really hard, folks.

Well, time to go do more nothing. I should be shot and rid of for wasting oxygen today. All I am doing is taking up space.

At least I looked good doing it.

“What ah–what is dat American saying, about da–da shoes, and da feet?”
“….looks like the shoe is on the other foot. I was just thinkin’ that!”

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