Shake & Bake.

28 Feb

My parents had received a bag of Amish Friendship Bread dough from one of my dad’s patients over the holidays, and had since made a loaf themselves and kept a bag of dough for Trent and me. If you are unfamiliar with this recipe, basically you cannot start your own batch of Amish Friendship Bread. You must receive an already existing batch of batter from someone else, and you can only add missing ingredients to complete the bread, and pass on some of the dough from YOUR batch on to the next person, etc. For ten days, you must care for the dough by squishing it around every single day, until the sixth day when you add missing ingredients, and then babysit it again for another five days, squish-squashing and mushing it daily.

Giving someone a batch of Amish Friendship Bread dough is like giving someone a fern or a pet as a gift. “Thanks….for the responsibility.” You have no choice–once it’s in your hands, you have to care for it immediately. You can’t put off feeding a pet hamster or watering a house plant, just like you can’t put off squish-squashing and mushing a bag of dough.

Let me introduce you to a tooth paste that will brighten your day, your life, AND your smile:

Crest Expressions: Wintergreen Ice.

Seriously, this toothpaste is like a car wash for your mouth. The bubbly, foamy cleaning paste tastes so fresh and pleasing that you’ll want to lock lips with every single person you come across for the following hour.

Courtney Cox has been on this planet longer than Barbara Walters, and she is still as hot as a smoking pistol. How does she do it? What kind of mutant strand of DNA did she receive in her genetic pool that the rest of us are lacking? She hasn’t a wrinkle on her face or a roll on her belly to prove she has aged a single day since the ripe age of 25. Courtney Cox makes people in the pursuit of infinite youth, like Joan Rivers, feel like assholes.

When I lay on my side, whether it’s in bed or on the couch, my eyes leak water like a leaky faucet. It doesn’t stop. I am constantly wiping away the pseudo-tears until I have no eye makeup on just one eye. I wish it would stop. I don’t want people to start rumors that I cry when I watch sappy movies or television shows. “Oh, I’m not crying–it’s just because I’m laying down,” I claim. “Yeah right.”

I love being able to rewind television. It makes me feel like a powerful wizard. All these inventions just blow my mind: GPS, Skype, fire, DVR–what’s next?

Well, time to do nothing.

“You were there when I realized that I’ve wet the bed over 50% of the nights I have slept. Looking at my life statistically, chances are that I wet the bed tonight.”


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