Pretty vs. Witty.

28 Feb

After being on this earth for 21, going on 22 years, I have come to realize a very unfortunate, but very true phenomena about women. Girls are either hot and stupid, or smart and heinous. Very, very rarely can you be both. Of course, there are plenty of stupid and ugly women, but never smart and attractive. (Unless you’re Cassie Schultz or myself, but our standards are so high they’re nearly impossible). There are several ways to break this down to try to understand why this is.

Scenario A: You’re an attractive girl. You have eyelashes long enough to tickle someone across the room with, and you got boobs in the 7th grade, and ever since, your male classmates have been having wet dreams over it. This being the case, you didn’t have to do much except exist to get attention from the opposite sex. Can’t spell worth a damn? No big deal. Can’t read above an 8th grade level? Not important. Can’t hold a conversation longer than 30 seconds unless it’s about Beverly Hills 90210 or Herbal Essences? Who cares. None of this matters, because in the end, you still have a vagina, and that’s all boys care about.

Scenario B: You’re a witty bitch. You’re both intelligent and intellectual, with a charismatic personality. You’re a conversationalist by nature, and you have an enviable sense of humor. People like you…..except that you’re a 5. A 6 at best. In this cold, hard world, when you’re growing up, it doesn’t matter if you’re smart and funny, because if you aren’t attractive, most men won’t give you the time of day. Unless of course you’re a whore, but most intelligent girls aren’t. Therefore, you wander through high school feeling mediocre and unappreciated because of your top-rate personality. Only a few boys find out about your legit personality, but overall you’re brushed aside.

Scenario C: You’re hideous. Most people feel offended simply by glancing at you. You spell tomorrow “tommarrow” and don’t know what’s wrong with it. Nothing changes. You’re screwed. The end.

Then there’s this rare, unique hybrid….the smart, hot woman. “But Becca, I’ve never seen one of those.” Well, you have if you’re reading my blog, but, that’s besides the point. How do these come about? The formula:

Scenario D: Growing up, you’re a funny gal. You’re smart, you’re entertaining, people generally like you. Nothing special to look at, but not atrocious either. Your moderate amount of male-attention is not so constant that you get full of yourself or neglect the development of your intellect to get used for some ass to feel important for 3 minutes like A girl up top. After high school, you blossom into a hot piece of ass, but maintain your intelligence and rich personality, making you an enviable being. Now here you are, ruling the world. No one can call you names like “Train Whore” or anything else related to how many football players you banged back in high school for attention, because you didn’t. You’re a paradigm of perfection. Now what?

All the hot girls from high school who were dumber than nails but got all the boys are now either fat or pregnant. Or fat and pregnant. You’ve reached your peak, and are cooler than ever. The moral? I think I’d rather be a late bloomer than be hot in high school and then 40 pounds overweight with a nicotine addiction now.

Anyway, the point? I’m really, really full of myself.

“If you french fry when you should pizza, you’re gonna have a bad time.”

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