28 Feb

This morning while perusing Craiglist to make myself depressed by looking at puppies, I saw Egypt listed in the margin as one of the areas to search all postings for. I thought, “I wonder what they’ve got going on over there in Egypt,” so I clicked on it and searched under “pets.” This is what I found.

Free cat (Springfield)

Date: 2009-12-28, 10:31PM EET
Reply to:

This cat is very friendly, and he doesn’t annoy you much. He is far from obnoxious. Good with kids and other animals. Comes with all pet supplies, shampoo, dog spray, toys, food and a cage. I’m including now as a one time offer free cat bed!

Location: Springfield, Egypt
PostingID: 1527821869


I don’t know what they do for fun over there in the Middle East (besides make bombs out of cell phones and beat women for blinking), but apparently they haven’t heard of sports or board games. Instead they post morbid ads about dead animals as practical pranks. Very strange.

^ My knuckles.

The dry, unforgiving wintry air is sucking every ounce of moisture out of my body like a Dust Devil. My nose and hands are getting the worst of it. My face is flaking and peeling like an old onion, and my knuckles are cracking like the Mohave Desert floor. Someone send me some Goldbond, it’s an emergency.

I wish that cars had like an LCD screen that lit up on the back windshield that we could communicate to other drivers with messages, like, “Sorry for cutting you off, my bad,” or, “My car sucks in the snow, that’s why I’m driving like a slug,” or, “Stop f*cking tailgating me you piece of sh*t,” or “Who gave you Asians drivers licenses anyway?” Then we wouldn’t have to try to communicate via makeshift hand signals, waves, and and the exaggerated mouthing of words coupled with the loud whisper “Sorry!”s or “Thanks for letting me into your lane!”s all the time (as if the other drivers can hear us). This would eliminate most road rage, and pardon any vehicular mistakes.

Another snow storm rapes the midwest. Normally this would tickle me pink, except that I need to work tomorrow, and unfortunately the ol’ Neon does less than adequate in these wintry conditions. Damnit, she tries, but even the slightest incline shuts her down if there’s snow on the road. I need to make like a semi-driver and strap chains to my tires. We’ll see if I have time in the morning.

I smacked my tailbone, hard, in Colorado. It still hurts. I probably fractured it. Too bad there’s nothing you can do about a fractured tailbone, except whine. Someone send me Vicodin. I’ve never actually gotten the chance to experience and/or abuse painkillers like other people. I’ve never undergone a procedure that required the usage of prescription pain meds, except for the time I got my wisdom teeth out. Oh, except that my dentist didn’t actually have a license, to my knowledge, because he didn’t even knock me out before violently and savagely hacking my teeth out of my jaws like he was f*cking John Henry. Then to help cope with the pain, they gave me some weak-ass pills that worked no better than Tylenol. I am bitter.

Putting together a set of encyclopedias would have sucked. Imagine: encyclopedias include information on EVERYTHING that exists in the universe from volcanic faults to inertia, eggs benedict to The Beatles, to John F. Kennedy to miniature poodles. Who can sit down and think of EVERYTHING that exists in the world, and compile it into a series of enormous books? “FUCK, Pamela–you forgot to include ‘the toaster strudel.’ Do you know how many billions of dollars this is going to COST ME???” I’m glad that wasn’t my job. Thank god for Google.

Peace out, girl scouts.


Me:….I beg your pardon?”
Someone: “Our oven is horrible, so when it says to cook something for 10 minutes, you need to cook it for 15-70. I think I burned my fishsticks.”
Me: “That sucks.”
Someone: “Yeah, but with lots and lots of ketchup, they aren’t so bad. It also helps that I’m really, really high.”


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