“Denial” is not a river in Egypt.

28 Feb

Does anyone remember those little machines they’d have in the malls and arcades and movie theaters that you could put in 25 or 50 cents and get out one of those wacky peace-sign smiley face stickers or pirate smiley face stickers, and for some reason we thought they were really cool but we never actually did anything with them?

That’s why, Olivia, you and I are not friends. Denied.

Let me send out a message for everyone on Facebook to hear: if your profile picture is anything but a picture of you, say, a muddy truck, a dirtbike, a tattoo, or a stupid ass smiley face sticker with braces, don’t bother requesting my friendship. We aren’t going to be friends, so just stop.

The wind chill temperature here in Kansas City is -14. The wind chill for tomorrow? -30. I’m sorry, did I move to Anchorage? Am I in Antarctica? The wind feels like a thousand icy knives piercing through my body. I don’t even own outerwear appropriate to shield me from these types of frigid temperatures. Should I be investing in a full on fox-fur snowsuit? I doubt my car will start tomorrow morning. Maybe I should just leave it running all throughout the night, and hope she doesn’t run out of gas before daybreak. It’s going to take a LOT of coercing to get me out of the warmth of my bed tomorrow morning. I’m talking some serious bribing. I’ll need to see cash (50s or 100s), a hot breakfast, and probably Ryan Reynolds in the flesh if you expect me to leave my down comforter behind and go on with my day. Let’s see if we can’t get that arranged.

Still, in these conditions, without fail I see somebody, somewhere, wearing shorts. Trent and I ate breakfast at First Watch yesterday morning, and low and behold, our server was wearing his maroon First Watch polo with a nice clean pair of–you guessed it– khaki shorts. Are you kidding me? In what galaxy is it appropriate to wear shorts when it is literally colder than a Siberian tundra outside? Who are you trying to impress? You look like a big, fat, idiot. Seriously. “It’s not that cold…” Yes it is. Go to hell.

…At least shorts would be appropriate for the weather there.

………dumbass.

I have been consuming soup by the cauldron full this week, probably due to the cold. I sometimes forget how simple and delicious a can of soup can be. Mmmm, Mmmm good.

Except that I’m eating Progresso, not Campbell’s. But thanks for the slogan, Campbell’s. It’s really very fitting.

What have they been up to in Australia all these years? Why don’t I know more about what’s going on down there? We constantly hear about our own news, news in Canada, news in Japan, the middle east, Africa, France, England—but nothing about Australia. Ever. Unless of course you count studies about endangered koala species or crocodile hunters “news.” Australia never has any big political upsets, they’re never involved in wars….do they even have a government? Someone get Carmen San Diego on the phone and ask her what’s up down under.

No amount of lotion or moisturizer can quench my epidermis. It is impossible to cooperate with my face right now. It’s too dry to even bother putting makeup on it. It starts looking like garlic flakes almost instantly. I can barely smile without cringing in pain. This is not a good look for me. Hopefully people can just understand that I wasn’t made for these harsh, subzero temperatures and ignore my imperfections. I am, after all, still human.

Well, time to go moisturize for literally the 14th time today. A futile attempt, but an effort nonetheless.

“She’s got muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: