XXX.

22 Feb

Why doesn’t Facebook have away messages? I know that my addiction is strong, but that doesn’t stop me from scurrying away to the bathroom to tinkle, or getting up to fold a load of laundry in between my stalking sessions. And what if someone chats me up at that exact moment? Well I would just seem so rude!! On that note, if you think that would make me care even one single bit, you’re sorely mistaken. Ha. But still, this is America, and America likes options. If I want to inform people that I have “stepped out to lunch” as AOL Instant Messenger used to say, then I want to have that option. What I do like being able to avoid though, are away messages like this:

gOin To dA mAlL with cHeLs!~!~! BE BAK AT 8***~* TXT IT!!!!

No. Stop.

WARNING: This website contains adult material. You must be at least 18 years old to enter this website.

Familiar? Who in the world was retarded enough to believe that simply addressing the age requirements, but following it up with a button that says ENTER and a button that says I AM NOT 18, was going to stop prepubescent eighth grade boys from entering pornography sites? Really. Unfortunately not everyone is as honest as Abe Lincoln these days, folks. It’s going to take a lot more than that to keep infants from seeing bouncing boobies and BJs on the internet at home.

The other day, Johnny and I were chatting. He brought up the following thoughts:

“Toilet paper commecials are always awkward, because they’ll say things like strong enough to get the job done, soft enough to leave you feeling comfortable. Really they’re saying, it’ll clean the shit off your dirty ass but it’s soft so you won’t bleed. And, Two-ply paper so it doesn’t rip and you get shit all over your fingers.
Instead they have blue and red bears doing the cha-cha, when what they really want to say is,Charmin. It could clean a bear’s ass.

They really beat around the bush, don’t they? Listen, people—one of the first things we ever even learned as little toddlers was that “everybody poops.” We talk about puberty and periods in middle schools in front of everybody, but we can’t recognize that everyone defecates, and because we’re not Aborigine cavemen, we use toilet paper to aid us?

Activia: keeping you regular. Really what they’re saying here is, “Activia: it keeps your organs producing like the poop-factories that they were meant to be without backing you up like an old septic system.” Let’s not pussyfoot around the real issues here, folks.

Since I no longer have a prehistoric dinosaur phone, I am able to have “applications” on my cell like all the other cool kids. One of my favorite things to do is compulsively check the weather forecast, so naturally the first application I downloaded to my Blackberry Tour was The Weather Channel, so that I could dress appropriately for the weather each day; you get the idea. Anyway, I naturally set my default zip code to Mission, KS for easy access. That’s when I noticed the next suggested shortcut. After 36-hour, Tomorrow, and 10-Day weather forecast, “Pilgrim Weather” was the next immediate link.

….

Perfect. Next time Squanto and I decide to head to the east coast, I’ll know what to pack. Really? I clicked the link and it sent me directly to the weather forecast for Plymouth Rock, not even kidding. I can understand shortcutting a link to popular vacation sites, like San Diego or Orlando, but freaking Plymouth Rock? Christopher Columbus is alive, and he’s paying someone big bucks.

Anyway, I’m off to write hate mail to Mother Earth and ask her what kind of psychodelic she’s been tripping on that’s making her believe that it is appropriate to make it 70 degrees in the middle of November. Later, skaters.

“I was only going to drink once this weekend. I went out Thursday, Friday, and drank twice Saturday.”
-Cole

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