Space Jam.

22 Feb

Before continuing to dive into the rich, hilarious material in the rest of my note, please take 27 seconds to view the following short video clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mIyMRPV8kg

…..WATCH IT I SAID.

Alright.

If this dog can play basketball, why the hell can’t I? This pooch would literally school me in a game of H-O-R-S-E as if he were Shaquille O’Neal and I was a kid in a wheelchair. Seriously. My lack of hand-eye coordination? I think when God was making me, he took a short break to change his Facebook status and forgot to include some very basic, fundamental elements that make a human capable of simple activities, such as catching a ball, throwing a frisbee, playing catch–you see the problem? Then he tried to make up for it by making me unfairly attractive, which I must admit I do appreciate. Still, Air Bud over here doesn’t even have aposable thumbs, and he can make free throws. What’s wrong with me, ma? At least I have an awesome personality, great hair, and a rapist wit. In that aspect, I am untouchable, so I guess I’ll stop complaining.

If you have accidentally glanced at CNN this week, then you are most likely familiar with the Mohler crimes; five male family members all accused of sex crimes that they have been committing for the past 15 or 20 years. In case you aren’t up to speed, the father and four sons who lived on a family farm have recently been arrested and accused of sex crimes including rape, bestiality, and forcing children into mock weddings for many years–unspeakable, perverse crimes. My question is this: what are the odds that all five family members are sadistic, serial rapists, and moreover, if you’ve got that much of a problem, and there’s THAT many of you, why don’t you all just rape each other? Keep other people out of it, it’s that simple. It’s not like they’d have a lack of variety. THERE ARE FIVE OF THEM. Six if you include the newly accused relative, a recent development. Regardless, it blows my mind that people like this exist. I’m bored with this topic now, so I’m going to move on to something more entertaining.

I am perplexed by people who type incorrectly. Now, when I say “incorrectly,” I’m covering a wide spectrum of typographical issues including, but not limited to, typing in all capital letters, capitalizing random words in sentences, graffiti typing, abusing exclamation points, not using punctuation of any kind, and spelling things wrong on purpose. Why? Any form of typing other than “normal” takes more energy and time, AND makes you look like a retard. Why do people do it?

TYPING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES ME SOUND IGNORANT AND REALLY, REALLY INTENSE, AS IF I AM YELLING ALL THE TIME. LIKE I HAVE VOICE REMODULATION LIKE WILL FERREL SAID HE HAD ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

Listen, Shouting Sharon–the caps lock key is literally 1/8 of an inch from your left pinky. Just turn it off.

*~*i aLwAyS tyP3 tHiiNgz LiK3 di$ bEc@usE i ThInK iT maKeS mE LoOk cR3@TivE!!!11 lolz*~*~

Stop. Unless you had a grand mal seizure all over your keyboard, there is literally no reason at all to type in this fashion. This is what I call graffiti typing. It literally takes at least five to six times as long to type like a complete degenerate than it does to type properly like a normal human being. Stop typing like a fag.

Then There Are The People Who Type Like This. They Capitalize Every Word In Every Sentence For No Apparent Reason.

This one I REALLY don’t understand, unless of course the typist’s goal is to exercise their left pinky and strike the shift key spastically in an attempt to burn a few extra calories a year. One of the first things I even remember learning in elementary are the rules of capitalization. Maybe I just went to a better school than everyone else. Listen, you only capitalize the first word of every sentence, and then words that are proper nouns, such as names of people, months, titles, and places. For example, June.Or Benjamin Franklin. You would also capitalize Denver, Colorado, and Dr. or Mrs.Nothing else. That’s it.

One thing that REALLY gets under my skin though is people that spell words wrong on purpose. Some examples:

babii. luv. hott. l8ter. kewl. gurl. boi.

In most cases, the incorrect, stupid spelling has the exact same amount of letters in it as the correct spelling, if not more. Meaning it takes just as much energy to look intelligent as it does to look like a complete retard. Where is the logic? I hate people.

Don’t get me started on people who abuse punctuation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway,

I was recently flipping through the newest publication of the Guinness Book of World Records (appropriate use of capitalized letters, take notes). It was then that I was reminded, again, how ridiculous people truly are. Most of the world records are stupid. Really, really, really stupid. For example, a woman by the name of Lee Redmond is famous for having the longest fingernails in the world, measuring a total length of 28 feet and 4.5 inches, as she has not cut her fingernails since 1979. Who the fack cares? Really, this woman is being recognized for doing nothing. Literally. By simply refusing to perform a simple human practice of hygiene, she gets her picture in a book for all of the world to see.

This woman can’t do ANYTHING. How do you wipe your crotch after you pee when you have nails as long as yard sticks sprouting from every single one of your finger tips? How do you shampoo your hair? Do up buttons? Open jars? Text? Type? Scratch the ol’ record? (Gross). WHAT IS THE POINT?!? I feel like I need to have a chat with this woman. Clearly she’s insane.

The rest of the world records are just as gay. Youngest person to wear dentures, the most people doing jumping jacks all at once, largest tiramisu ever baked, it’s ridiculous. No one cares about this stuff. I sure don’t. And I guess my opinion is the only one that matters here anyway. Right? lol.

Kidding about my use of the acronym “lol” there. Speaking of which, when will that stop? When will people quit using “lol” in their typing lingo? It needs to end. It is a very serious rule of mine to never use it, and I’m curious when that rule will catch on. I guess we’ll see.

I’m going to go…..do stuff. Probably eat Jell-o Chocolate Mousee sugar-free pudding. (Only 60 calories!! Really. That’s exciting.)

“HEY BITCH!!”

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