CooooOOOOkie Crisp.

22 Feb

After discovering that it was apparently Sesame Street Week last week on account of the various Google clip-arts (the things we celebrate these days actually blows my mind), I then discovered that the Cookie Monster is better now known as the “Veggie Monster.” Why? Well, according to media specialists, America is fat because the Cookie Monster teaches kids to eat nothing but treats baked by the Keebler Elf. Seriously, America? If the Cookie Monster was that influential on our young American children, then they would refuse to wear anything except clothing made out of angora fur dyed Smurf-blue. American kids are not obese because a fake puppet on television goes by the name “Cookie Monster” and enjoys Chips Ahoy. American kids are fat because their fat parents bring them through the McDonald’s drive-thru for Happy Meals five days a week and feed them chocolate puddings instead of baby carrots on the reg.

Good lord. Everyone’s looking for someone to blame, it seems.

On another note, is it bad that I rely on Google to tell me what’s going on in our current events? Google’s little artwork themes tell me what holiday it is, when the stock market is crashing, when it’s getting dark outside, when daylight savings occurs–I don’t need a calendar anymore.

Why does Rachel Ray now not only have her own cooking show, but a talk show as well? Apparently anyone can have a television show these days. Kind of like when all those movie stars went through that phase where they all thought they could sing and tried to get record labels, which was also a flop (Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. The list goes on). Rachel, just because you can whip up a mean beef stroganoff doesn’t mean I want to hear your opinion on the environmental movement or the rising price of gasoline. Same thing goes for Dr. Phil. Philip, you’re not even a doctor. You are a Mister. I demand a television show as well, because I am equally as qualified. Someone whip me up a contract, I’m ready to sign.

Does yogurt make you orgasm? I’m not a physician, but according to commercials, yogurt will make you more than just “satisfied,” and I’m talking further south than your stomach, if you catch my drift. Really though, commercials depict women consuming decadent containers of yogurt and moaning with satisfaction. Last time I ate a parfait though, I don’t remember having to change my panties afterward, ya dig? I might have said, “Mm,” but that’s about it. Moving forward.

I feel like companies should pay me to endorse their products. But, until they do, I guess I’ll just do it for free. Wintertime brings about urges to snuggle up with a steaming mug of hot cocoa and watch your favorite television shows, doesn’t it? Let me introduce you to a hot chocolate flavor that WILL actually make you orgasm:

Land-o-Lakes “Chocolate Graham” hot cocoa. There is a god, and he loves me, because this hot beverage makes even the most miserable life worth living. Seriously, you’ve never tasted anything like this stuff. It is the elixir of life. It is so delicious, that after searching grocery stores high and low, and to my dismay being unable to track it down, Trent searched online and ordered a crate of it. Not kidding, an entire crate. Like, we have literally 130 packets of Chocolate Graham hot cocoa mix. No, you can’t have any. Please whip yourself up a mug or six, but do it with milk instead of water. Creamier. You get the idea.

While we’re on the topic of product endorsement, let me also introduce you to my new favorite scent of Febreze air freshener:

Delicious. Simply delicious.

WELL, I’m off to consume turkey burgers like a champion. Ta ta for now, girls and boys.

“What are you looking at?!”
“Uh–that–hermit crab.”
“That hermit crab sitting next to that hot GIRL?”
“I didn’t put it there!”

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