Bust a move.

22 Feb

Who is Parson Brown, and why should I want to build a snowman and pretend it is him? Tell me. Someone tell me. Is he as white as snow, literally? I believe I could rival him in the albino-look-alike contest and beat his ass, whoever he is. If little kiddies are going to make snow statues of people they admire, it should be me, not Mr. Brown. You can’t be a white tower of snow and then have a name like “Brown.” It just isn’t right. Barry White didn’t get the idea either, so someone update him while we’re on the topic.

I actually just read someone’s comment on their Facebook wall who used the term “I forgotted.” The same person also used the word “bestest.”


When did it become cute/popular to talk like a brain damaged baby? It is not cool. It is not attractive. Talking like a nimrod on purpose is the exact polar opposite of both of those things. What possesses people to do it? I’m so perplexed. Am I the only person on this earth who knows how to be normal? I feel like I am. I feel so alone.

Maybe there is intelligent life on Mars. I guess we’ll have to see.

Why. Someone tell me why. Unless you are blind, retarded, and someone attacked your head with a lawn mower, there is nothing on this planet that can warrant looking like this. This is one of those occasions where I wonder–does this person look in the mirror in the morning before heading off to work and genuinely think to themselves, damn, I look good. That’s all I want to know. Moreover, if the answer is “yes” to that question, why has nobody institutionalized this person? Clearly they aren’t straight in the head. I mean LOOK at their HEAD for god’s sakes.

The person above is apparently a choreographer for the television show So You Think You Can Dance, which, if you are not familiar (meaning you’re like me and you actually have a life so you didn’t know this show even existed), it’s like American Idolfor people who like to bust a move or several. Anyway, I wandered upstairs into the living room today and noticed this hideous creature on the television screen. I didn’t know her name, so I just Googled “ugly choreographer So You Think You Can Dance,” and I actually found her. Haha. That’s bad. If Google says you exist under a certain title, then you are exactly that. Google is law. If you Google your name + pregnant, and your photo pops up, go ahead and schedule a prenatal appointment, because you are about to give birth, Octomom.

Anyway, back to the ugly bitch. Who voluntarily looks like this? Did John Deere cut this woman’s hair? Is this a new fad I am unaware of, and this atrocity is just ahead of the curve? I’m concerned. I know beauty is subjective, but it is not up for discussion that this woman is a hideous creature that is blemishing the human race with her appearance. End.

While glancing at Yahoo! News this afternoon, I read the following news report:

Santa Claus should avoid kissing children to prevent spreading the flu and should get vaccinated against the illness, state health authority said.

What they forgot to add to this statement was “to also prevent child molestation and RAPE,” for crying out loud. Santa kissing children in the mall? No. If your child is seated upon Santa’s lap, he is already prime prey for some weird uncle action. What mother wants an overweight, seasonally-employed old bastard with a greasy beard and ketchup stains on his mothball-scented St. Nick’s suit to put his lips on their child? If the best reason you can come up with is to not spread the flu virus, you are legally insane. Why am I the only person that realizes these things? I should be a judge, the president, and a policeman. It’s pretty clear.

Off to eat quail. Hopefully I don’t eat a bullet.

“Can we get some new pictures framed? In every picture of us together, I’m wearing a bib.”


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