Olive Gayrden.

21 Feb

Why are Olive Garden commercials SO gay? Has anyone else noticed this? One of the worst–the commercial where mom and dad bring their college daughter to dinner when they come visit. What is the idea behind these extremely flamboyant advertisements? Do they think that people will make the connection between gays and good food, like if the commercials are that gay, and gay guys are usually great at cooking (guys specifically, since gay women just eat out all the time—ZING!), that Olive Garden must be exquisitely delicious Italian food? Well, that technique isn’t working for me. It makes me want to light their restaurant on fire and brutalize their director of marketing. Someone fire that fruit, I’m coming in.

According to Yahoo News, a 62-year-old man named Dennis LeRoy Andersen in Duluth, Minnesota, has recently pleaded to guilty to DUI charges after driving home from the bars with a BAC of 0.29.

…in a motorized La-Z-Boy.

Police say, and I quote, “Anderson was arrested after crashing his recliner into a parked car. He was not seriously injured.

Ya THINK? It’s not like you can gain much speed riding in a god forsaken chair. Rolling four miles per hour down Main Street isn’t going to give you whiplash, even with a tailwind. On another note, I don’t care how drunk you are, how the french do you crash a chair into a parked vehicle? If the old bastard had consumed a bathtub full of Jim Beam, I could see how this might happen, but reports say he lost control of his La-Z-Boy after drinking 8 or 9 beers. Apparently gramps can’t hold his liquor.

Why did the old man choose to drive his recliner to the bars? Was the Buick just too overdue for an oil change and not worth the risk? Good grief.

Behold, the most delicious, stimulating, mouth-watering, endorphin provoking, orgasmic, delectable treat to ever grace the face of the earth:

Haagen-Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream. You won’t understand it until you’ve tried it, but even if you don’t think you are a caramel lover, you’re wrong. I want everyone who reads this to genuinely consider sprinting to the nearest grocery store and spending every last penny you own pillaging the shelves of this ice cream, because it will change your life, and you will be addicted. I get specific cravings for Caramel Cone ice cream, like it interferes with my ability to live day-to-day. I weep when I taste it. If I go too long without tasting it, I have to have it melted and pumped directly into my veins. It’s a problem. Go get it, and let me know how you feel. Leave out the bodily fluids involved in whatever happens though, please.

Allow me to introduce you to one of the better inventions on this planet, next to Google, the double cheeseburger, and of course the wheel:

The Ove Glove. What is the Ove Glove, you ask? Let me explain it like this: you know how plastic surgeons made Britney Spears better when they gave her knockers? Well that’s what kitchen appliance specialists did when they gave the average oven mitten fingers. The result? The most nifty kitchen tool on the face of God’s green earth. Because you know, dolphins are really freaking smart, but without thumbs, they can’t do half the things a half-witted raccoon can do with its nimble little fingers. It gives you superior burn-protection with dexterity. How exciting! Why didn’t I think of this? When I don my Ove Glove, I feel like I should be helping fire fighters rummage through smoltering piles of rubbish and hot coals to search for fire victims and such. Get get yourself one, and you’ll understand.

Jeremy: I have to get a root canal on Thursday. Ugh.
Me: Terrible! Why?
Jeremy: I chipped my tooth…it became infected to the root and the entire right side of my mouth feels awful….but the dentist gave me lots of Vicodin which I have enjoyed taking very much.
Me: So you’re working with kids under the influence of narcotics? Nice.
Jeremy: Yeah…and it was Red Ribbon Week. When I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, I was wearing all red and had a pin on that said “I have better things to do than drugs.”

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