Why do people from third world countries that I have never and could never EVER meet request my friendship on Facebook? My latest request? A “Kevin Wi” from Medan, Indonesia, whose only friends are, and I am copying this exactly from his home page, “Yuen Cien Xing, Kietz Ice, Lung Su, and Chen Hendra.” What do this gentleman and I have in common besides neither of us is American? At least I’m just not American by a matter of technicality. What makes randoms like this think we could be buddies? Stop it. Unless I know you or have met you face to face, poke someone else. With that being said, if you request my friendship on Facebook and your profile picture is a mud-covered truck or a motorcycle, don’t waste your time. We’re already enemies.
Why do people think it’s okay to add icons and symbols to their names on Facebook these days? Oh sorry Allison Johnson, your name is actually Allison Musical Note Johnson? Chelsea Wilson Peace Sign? Help me understand. Show me your birth certificate. “I’m so unique, I use clip art in my user name!!” Unless you are a direct descendant from ancient Egypt, I am willing to put many many dollar bills on the fact that your name does not include hieroglyphics and/or iconic clip art. Stop it.
Express has me in a choke hold. Not only is my entire wardrobe (not kidding, at least 9 out of 10 articles of clothing hanging in my closet) from Express, but they keep me coming back for more like a stray cat coming back for table scraps to that neighbor who is just a little bit too nice to say no. How do they do this? Their coupons. Express sends me hoards of coupons. Spend $150 get $75 off? Get 40% off your entire purchase? Buy one pair of jeans get another half off? Are you kidding me? And because I USE the coupons, they send me MORE coupons. It’s a never-ending cycle. It’s genius, really. They have me like Bobby has Whitney. I know it’s a bad relationship, but I can’t stop going back. Someone call up A&E, we need an intervention.
I hate Criss Angel. I hate Criss Angel more than any white supremacist has ever hated a Jew. He makes everything he does seem like it is the most life-threatening act any person could ever attempt, and everyone should bite their nails and turn their head in disgust and fear for his well-being to hope he can come out of it alive. Attention Criss Angel: NOBODY IS MAKING YOU DO THESE THINGS. “I am about to bury myself six feet into the ground in handcuffs. Not only will it be cramped and dark, but it will be below freezing temperatures. Hypothermia can set in within 13 minutes, making this stunt very dangerous. The last man that tried this died.” Alright, then start pulling rabbits out of hats and turning hankerchiefs into doves, you dumbass. Nobody is making you attempt these ridiculous stunts, and nobody cares either way.
Plus his voice makes me want to cut my wrists and his haircut is really gay.
By the way, as a hilarious side note, when I googled the above photo of Criss Angel, I located it from a site called “stupidcelebrities.net.” Hahaha. Someone’s with me at least.
I am thrilled to announce that I will be traveling home to the Dirty Bluffs on Thursday and will be there until Sunday to visit mis amigas y mi madre y padre. Oh, and my dirtbag dog Alan who I plan on stuffing into the oven. I love that little man, but for some reason he makes me want to beat him. Ha. Kidding, PETA, don’t call. I am not ACTUALLY putting my corgi in the ol’ Viking induction oven, alright? Get off my back. Unless you’re Justin Timberlake–then you can be on my back.
And my other body parts.
Until next time, peace out, river trout.
“Why do you have a cough?”
“Because I smoke weed!”