Smooth Move.

12 Feb

The laser hair removal ads are fashioned to make it seem like if you get your body zapped of all its hair, it will reveal six-pack abs, and chiseled obliques so defined they could cast shadows. While we’re on the topic, my body temperature is too uncontrolled to validate shaving every day. What do I mean by this? So I spend a good four to six minutes in the shower shaving my legs as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Two hours later I am buzzing around the office, where the air conditioning creates ice and causes flurries by mid afternoon. In an attempt to adapt to the blistering cold environment, my body rapidly tries to protect itself from hypothermia by sprouting hair as quickly as it can. My legs? Pricklier than a cactus. Time wasted. I’m not happy. Laser hair removal is starting to sound pretty sweet.

…so do six pack abs, but I already have those.


I have been without the ol’ Neon for three weeks and counting, folks. After my engine drowned in the torrential rain that rivaled Niagra Falls a few weeks back on Johnson Drive, a mechanic garage towed my car away to replace the engine, promising I would have Big Yellow back within 3 days. Reasonable, I thought. Three days go by. I have not heard from them. I call, and the man tells me that it will be done the next day. Things go wrong, I understand.

The next day, no one calls. The day after that, I call to see if it is ready to be picked up. More bad news–something went wrong, so it won’t be done for two more days. Annoyed, I hang up. Two days go by–not done. This story continues until today, three weeks later, and I am still without my vehicle. Since my job relies on me driving to and fro on a daily basis, I informed the mechanic of the predicament he was putting me in. He agrees to reimburse me for a rental for a few days. Now, I probably could have gotten a Kia Accent for like $15 a day, but that’s for amateurs. Instead, Trent and I decide to rent me a 2008 Dodge Charger, plus insurance coverage for like $100 a day. Haha. I feel zero remorse.

It’s funny to me to hear couples saying that they’re “trying” to get pregnant, when there are junior highs full of pre-teens not old enough to drive who are NOT trying to get pregnant but have two kids and another on the way. Ha. Irony.

I hate it when Facebook chat lags and then sends everything you said twice and makes you look like a retard. Have we not come this far in the world of technology yet, team? I remember AOL Instant Messenger being more efficient than this back in 2001, and I was using dial-up.

My sinus hell continues. My congestion has not let off even an inkling. I have been blowing my nose around the clock, and I think I’ve actually done some internal damage from the force I’ve been using to shoot snot out of my skull. Now when I blow my nose, my right ear drum sounds like a trumpet blowing. Now I’m no doctor, but I think this is cause for concern. What if I go deaf? I’m really good looking, but I don’t know how well I can pull of hearing aids. What do I do?

I believe you are all well aware of my aspartame addiction, so I won’t address it, but let that be the preface for my next point. There comes a point where no matter how much artificial sweetener you add to your hot tea, it doesn’t make it any sweeter. This is peculiar to me. When I want my tea sweeter, but six packets still tastes exactly like three, where do I go from there?

ANYWAY, I’m off to do things. You know, things.

“I literally didn’t poop all weekend long because the medication that I’m on makes me constipated. Let’s just say I am off the medication.”


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