On the dotted line.

12 Feb

You know what’s a difficult task? Writing your signature electronically after the use of a credit or debit card. Why don’t those screens work better? No matter how hard you concentrate, your signature looks like a drunk baby tried to sign for you in the back of a Jeep Wrangler. And for some reason, I try SO hard to make it look nice. Most people let the chicken scratch pass as their signature, but I feel so challenged by that little machine and its crazy pen, and I try so hard. Sigh. Lord, release me from this prison of perfection.

I get the whole “going green” movement, save the environment thing, but there are some things that are inexcusable. The first? Recycled toilet paper. I’m sorry, but I don’t like it when I wipe my Hot Pocket after a nice tinkle and it feels like I used sawdust instead of Charmin, ya dig? I understand the property manager wanting to shave down the company budget a little bit, but it is not okay to stint on the toilet paper, folks. Can I get an amen?

^ Wireless networks that are currently available to me. Wtf? I mean, Wildcat69?? 69??? Really? Could you GET any more inappropriate?

…hahaha. This is obviously a joke, the obvious odd ball being network “Two Vaginas.” Was “Linksys” and “Smith123” taken? What the devil. To make matters even more interesting, almost all the tenants in my apartment complex are either senior citizens or retards. I wish, I just wish, I knew who the culprits were.

My attention deficit? Yesterday I actually considered playing Scrabble on my phone at a red light. What is my problem? I shocked myself as I reached for my phone and hit “games.” Did I really just think I had time to play a round of Scrabble? I thought. Wow. It’s one thing to check a quick text message while paused at an intersection; it is another thing to try to unscramble the word “DUNGEON” and get a triple word score before it turns green. Kill me.

Have you ever woken up from a good night’s sleep to find yourself stark naked? Sober? Not related to any sexual activity of any kind? I have. Not recently, but I have done it more than once. How does this happen? Do I overheat and strip down? Do I get really randy during REM cycles? Tell me. Someone tell me.

I’m out like MC Hammer pants.

“THAT’S WHY WE HAVE TWITTER!!”

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