I have found myself being sucked into watching hours of consecutive programming on the History Channel recently with no intention of doing so. I’m flipping through looking for some shitty reality TV or fish angling show for entertainment, when suddenly I realize that I have been watching how ping-pong balls are made for 45 minutes with no memory of how I got there. How does this happen? Why do people need to know how toilet seats are manufactured? While we’re on the topic, how the fudge do they make plastic supermarket bags? Sounds simple, but I don’t understand.
I recently purchased a pair of stunning white flip-flops from PacSun. One of those pairs that goes with everything–jeans, shorts, sun dresses, broken bones–come to find out, these shoes are slipperier than a baby fresh out the womb. Walking in these shoes on rough cement is like skating across a Crisco-covered linoleum floor in brand new tube socks. Today while power-walking to the car on my way to an appointment, I took a deathly step off of the sidewalk onto the paved road and wiped out completely. Like, hard. I REALLY slammed into the ground. Worse? There were witnesses. My elbow is skinned, my knee is horribly bruised, my pride is hurt–how will I recover? I predict that my right knee will be swollen to the size of a grape fruit by early evening. We’ll see how sexy I look come dinnertime. F.
In other news, I am currently seated in Panera Bread, stealing their Wi-Fi and enjoying a fresh brewed iced-tea F.O.C. That’s right, free of charge, kids. Why? Because my personality is better than yours. Upon galavanting inside, I greeted the jolly, obese black manager with a cheerful, “Hello, hello!” He asked me what he could get me, and I said, “All I need is a cup for an iced tea, actually.” He responds, “Iced tea is on me today, girly.” Ha. I love it.
Maybe it’s actually because I’m really good looking. Either way, I win.
ANYway, I’m sitting next to the window. It is ominously dark outside, as a storm is rolling in. Lightning is flashing in the distance and thunder is rumbling overhead. Rain is now starting to come down, and I’m now realizing that in 20 minutes when I need to leave, I am going to be drenched on my way to the car. I’m not happy. Why don’t I own an umbrella?? Someone fetch me an umbrella.
Ella, ella, ay…ah…okay. Done.
I realize I have not been keeping up my note-writing like I should, lads and lasses. I apologize. My life? It’s ridiculous. I haven’t the time. I’ll try to do better. In the meantime, I have some stalking to do. I keep finding out that people are getting pregnant. You understand.
Your brother from another mother,
“Don’t tell anybody, but this tie is a clip-on.”