I have a peculiar habit of choosing odd exact times to microwave things. What makes me think that it will take precisely two minutes and 27 seconds to perfectly heat my tea? No one knows. I microwave my delectable frozen Monterey Jack burritos for exactly 2:22. Every time. Somebody help me.
My swine is in full force, chaps. I wish I could get even one deep breath in through my nose. Seriously, my congestion?? It’s easier to get a member of Al Qaeda through Delta Airlines than it is to get oxygen through my nostrils at this point. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve sneezed in the past ten days, I’d be driving a Rolls Royce. I have a sinus headache that could rival the San Francisco earthquake of 1906. My head is pounding like a steel drum band. Someone needs to go ahead and wheel me in a gurney, put me out of my misery.
On a positive note, because of my insufferably stuffy nose, I can no longer smell the wretched stench of whatever died in the women’s bathroom in our office building, so that’s nice. I wonder if that will ever get fixed. I might start peeing outside in the parking lot.
Whose idea was it to have uncontrolled intersections? Is anyone else alarmed by this? When I approach a four way intersection with no stop sign at either road, I become very afraid. I am in grave danger! The odds of two cars cruising at 40 miles per hour through the intersection at the same time are too high for my liking. I cringe as I pass through, as if I’m shrinking away from someone snapping a rubber band at my face. I’m terrified.
WELL, I’m off to blow my nose 90 times and infect everyone around me.
“GET OUT OF MY DOORWAY MOTHERFUCKER!! GIVE ME A REASON!!!”