Clean up, aisle 4.

12 Feb

Yesterday was not the first time I have violated the “handicapped” parking privileges in the grocery store parking lot. After attempting to swing into the 4 or 5 nearest open parking spots and each time being greeted by an obnoxious blue sign with a wheel chair on it, I finally decided that whatever lot I ran into next would be mine no matter what it said. That’s when I found out I was pregnant.

My parking space was one reserved for “pregnant and expecting mothers.” Perfect! One no one could prove otherwise. I proudly put my car in park and walked triumphantly into Hy-Vee. Still, I am amazed at how many parking spots are reserved for “special people” in lots these days. For example, the first four spaces in every row are for handicapped, then the next two behind those in each row is for “senior citizens only,” which, unless I claim some crazy Benjamin Button phenomena, I can’t exactly get away with, and then the one after that is for expecting mothers. That means that up to 25 parking spaces nearest to the door are reserved all at once.

I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time believing that 25 paraplegics, senile senior citizens, and labor-induced mothers are all at the store to get 2%, deli meat, and toilet paper at the same time. “Well Becca, just because you’re ‘handicapped’ doesn’t mean you have to be in a wheelchair!!!!” Exactly. It means, 9 times out of ten, that you are too fat to walk comfortably to the front door. Really. The main reason in this country people are “handicapped” is because they are morbidly obese. This brings me to my next point:

If this is the case, then removing handicapped parking spaces is a problem that solves itself. Why? For one, if it makes it difficult for people who shouldn’t be making trips to the grocery store anyway, then they will eat less, thus eliminating their need for a special parking space. Two, if they have to park where the rest of us have to park, that means they will actually be forced into a little bit of exercise, again solving the problem at the root. On top of that, society wouldn’t be contradicting itself by teaching us to treat handicapped individuals just like everyone else, and then giving them special parking privileges. Why aren’t other people as smart as me? Someone needs to pay me for this stuff.

I get that Facebook is trying to be really smart and clever and is seemingly developing a “brain” of its own, going as far as to suggest friends to us that we may know, as if we wouldn’t have thought to look that person up already if we cared enough. But listen, FB, you’ve taken a really strange road that I don’t need. My two latest friend suggestions?

“Yen Min Joon”

“Nana Kwabena”

Alright. I understand the suggestions of people I may have graduated with or attended college with, but foreigners from third world countries? Where is the logic? I’m on Facebook to stalk my close friends, not to make a new overseas pen-pal. That’s what Compassion International is for, and last time I checked, that’s something I sign up for.

ANYway, I need to go continue to organize and pack. Help me, anybody. Or pay me. A bit of an incentive could do nothing but good, I’m sure of it.

“This is some real world shit! Anybody can eat a dick!”


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