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10 Feb

Why is it that when people are going to get something while you are on the phone with them, they feel the need to narrate every step they take until they reach their final destination? For example, let’s say your roommate calls and asks you to go check the mail for them because they are expecting an important letter, but when they call you are upstairs in your bedroom watching Seinfeld.

Friend: “Can you do me a favor and go check the mailbox really quick for me?”

You: “Sure thing! Hold on a second, I’m in my room right now watching TV. Seinfeld’s on. Okaaaaay….I’m walking….I’m climbing over my laundry pile…I really need to wash these….OOOOkaaaay….walking down the hall….walking….walking….still walking….alright, I’m going down the stairs…..going through the kitch–god, our kitchen smells like old macaroni still, we need to do something about that…..AAAAAAND I’m opening the front door….walking…walking across the lawn….passing the parking lot….almost there…..oooookaaaay…..OH-kay, I’m there. Opening the mailbo—nope, mail’s not here yet.”

We insist on narrating our entire journey from point A to point B to the person on the other end of the line. What is the explanation of this? We know that the purpose of the call was to simply execute a quick task as a favor to the person on the phone, so we feel like chit-chat about any other topic would not be appropriate, so we fill the space with our step-by-step journey from where we are at the time to wherever their task takes us.

What a beautiful day. I am so ready for warm weather, I can hardly contain myself. Nice days always make me laugh when I think of being in college. It’s funny how, as college students, we use the weather to decide whether or not we will be attending class that day. If it’s rainy, cold, snowing, or dismal outside, we’re like, “The weather is so shitty. I’m not going to class today.” But if it’s warm, sunny, and clear outside, we’re like, “It is way too nice out to go to class today.” Either way, school loses. Haha. What are the perfect weather conditions for attending class? Is there a perfect in-between condition that makes conditions perfect for class-going? I love excuses.

If you pay one speck of attention to me at all, you know that I have a chain-chewing problem with Orbit gum, specifically Orbit Bubblemint flavor. Orbit has broadened their flavor horizons substantially since then though, and I have come to enjoy their Strawberry Mint and Citrus Mint flavors in the same addictive “one-piece-after-another” manner. Since Orbit has been pumping out more new flavors than Willy Wonka at the Chocolate Factory as of late, I have been playing the flavor field and trying out some new ones. My least favorite so far? “Fabulous Fruitini.”

What sounded like a tangy, fruity delight, turned out to taste like a hang over after a night at the gay bar. It smells and tastes like lighter fluid and 99 Oranges. The color of this gum is the exact same color as the “macaroni and cheese” orange that Crayloa makes in their 24-pack. The smell alone makes me gag and feel like I’m laying face down on a sticky kitchen floor with Martis Gras beads around my neck and mascara melting down my face. What an unpleasant experience. Stick to the regular flavors, Wrigley.

I am constantly hypothermic. My skin resembles that of a football, in that it is covered in goosebumps and it is brown as F from tanning. Interesting mental image. My body temperature refuses to differ from that of a cold-blooded lizard. It simply isn’t feasible to wear a down stuffed parka and snow pants all day long, but that seems like the only solution to my ongoing problem. I am uncomfortably cold all hours of the day, and it’s interfering with my ability to enjoy my day to day life.

I will regret saying this come July. Mark my words.

Your unstable core body temperatured friend,

“People spend like $3,000 on landscaping, and that shit dies!”



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