In four days, I will be the drunkest broad that the Riu Palace Las Americas has ever seen. I am so excited to stay at this resort. It is 100% all-inclusive. Free food, buffets, the room is stocked with liquor on tap which is also free and they refill it whenever you need them to, free drinks at the bars and pool. I will be busting out the swimsuit and soaking up sun on the beach while consuming alcohol by the barrel, and I wish I was kidding. Of course when I say “soaking up sun” what I really mean is developing a breed of skin cancer that doctors wouldn’t even know what to do with. There will be sand in my ears and butt crack and a hang over that could kill an elephant when I get back. I could not be more amped.
Immediately after I return from my trip to Mexico, I hop on a plane to go to Idaho with Trent for a snowboarding trip. Straight from the sand to the snow, that’s going to be a shocker. Lots of traveling in my future. I’m not mad.
I have been slowly but surely developing a tan in anticipation of my trip to Mexico, and I have this system about tanning my face. You see, my face burns easily while the rest of my body tans like an Arab. Normally I wear a low powered SPF on my face to keep it from frying like an omelette, but even the smallest amount of sun block makes my face resist any color at all, so instead, I have been skipping the sun block and just covering my face for half the time I lay in the tanning bed to avoid a life-threatening burn. Today, however, the tanning bed was uncharacteristically relaxing. I passed out like a bum with a bottle of Bourbon almost immediately. The next thing I know, the shrill beeping of the tanning bed was alerting me that my session had ended. My eyes split open in a panic. I was confused. How did this happen? I had fallen asleep so deeply that I didn’t cover my face half way through. That means my poor face had been exposed to UV rays for 100% of the time.
There is no noticeable damage yet, but in six hours, my face will be dog dick red. It’s going to be bad. Hand me a ski mask, ma. It’s not going to be pretty.
I’m off to pee and consume a turkey sandwich, kids. Adios.
“I think i was talking to Marcus the other day and he asked me if i had stopped drinking that slut Lady Bligh, and I said that I was really into merlot now. He goes, “Oh you’re getting classy on me now?” and I go, “Would it help to know that i buy the 1.5 liter bottle for $6.99?
I’m one classy bitch.”