Behold, the reason kids actually got excited to go to Pizza Hut during their childhood:
The only reason children ever get ants in their pants about going to Pizza Hut when they’re young is because of the spicy pepper topping. Why? To dare each other to snort it, or to see how long they can handle the fiery flakes on their tongues, to unscrew the lid and leave it loosely sitting on top so that the next person who goes in for a conservative “sprinkle” gets 14 ounces of scorching fire flakes dumped on their pepperoni and pineapple pizza, ruining it entirely. What happened to kids getting excited by video games, building forts, large cardboard boxes, and the Cartoon Network? Why did we insist on things like food seasonings to have fun as if we were hoodlums raised in Harlem and that’s all that was available to us for entertainment? Children.
My brother and I were recently reminiscing about our childhood television favorites, a selection including, but not limited to, Xena: Princess Warrior, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Hercules, Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Baywatch (when mom wasn’t around). Then we realized what a bizarre collection of programs this was. While most kids were watching Salute Your Shorts and Doug, my brother and I were learning how to wrap a tourniquet with Dr. Quinn, or throw a spear like Hercules. My favorite show of all time was Xena: Warrior Princess. I wanted nothing more than a body like a battle ax, clothing made of burlap, and a set of throwing stars. Instead I got some puke colored My Little Ponies and an Easy Bake Oven that I baked birthday cakes in filled with Alpo treats for my dog. Can’t win ’em all.
Another topic of conversation my brother and I covered had to do with colors referring to that of an oompa loompa. I realized that “oompa loompa” is a very difficult thing to type. My brain won’t allow it. It knows it’s not a word. I’m so smart.
Anyhoot, I’m off to be productive. I got molested by a dog this morning. I didn’t hate it.
Ann: “Why are there cigarettes back here?”
Brandon: “BECAUSE, Ann, sometimes I like to have a little bit of a smoke. Usually three times a year. Except it’s March and I’ve already had two, so I don’t know what to do.”