Now Hiring.

8 Feb

How you heard about the position: no

Again, this is not a yes or no question. I think I’m just going to open and/or close each entry with one of the many stupefying comments that applicants put on their applications. Expect a good laugh or five from this point forward.

The other day I was observing Brandon run an interview when he pulled in a woman named Ada, about 44 years old, looking for work. After viewing her application for a moment he noticed that she had checked “yes” to ever being convicted of a felony.

“What felony were you convicted of?” he asked.

“It was second degree murder, 17 years ago; they recently confirmed that there was no DNA found at the site so my charge is being lifted since it can’t be proven.”



We hired her.

Hot chocolate kind of pisses me off. It’s delicious and Christmasy and satisfying all around, but the temperature just cannot stabilize. It’s either way too hot, or too cold. There’s no in between. When you make hot chocolate, it’s always blistering and boiling hot. So you wait forever for it to cool off, which takes a good 12 minutes. Then after you’ve waited for it to stop threatening to boil your tongue like a rigatoni noodle, suddenly it’s as tepid as a pool of sweat. How does this happen? Why is there no median where it is comfortably warm?

Yesteryear I dropped a rubberband bank in Bath y Body Works. That’s “Bath and Body Works” in Spanish. I went in in search of a single item: a brown sugar scented body lotion to complement the brown sugar body scrub I had recently purchased from a spa party (you know, one of those parties where you sit around with middle aged women, smearing mud on your face and putting cucumber slices on your eyelids).

Of course upon entering the store, I am stopped by a giant table stacked with dozens and dozens of limited time only holiday scents, including my personal favorite, Winter Candy Apple. Not sure what Winter Candy Apple smells like? Imagine an apple from the Garden of Eden, Charlie Brown Christmas carols, candy canes, a holiday scented candle, and the voice of Anne Murray all blended into a formula that screams “Christmastime” so loudly, even Marlene Matlin would have to cover her ears. It is the most delicious elixir mankind has ever had the chance to experience. Anyway, after dropping 50 bones on various shower gels, body creams, and a giant ass candle, I left, broke. I’m not mad.

Well, that’s all for now. I need to go bathe and then wield knives.

Too legit to quit,

“Pleasth?? Pleasth Becca….with my listhp?”


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