Looking for: something sloppy.

8 Feb

How does Facebook define being in an “open relationship” exactly? I’m curious what it constitutes as. My initial reaction would be that being in an open relationship means that two people are generally interested in each other and bone each other on a weekly to bi-weekly basis, but have no problem playing the field if a “bigger” fish comes around. In short, you are publicly announcing to your entire network that you have a regular fuck buddy. Congratulations.

It intrigues me how the way you say certain words changes their meanings entirely. Take the word “hey” for example. If someone passes by and passively says “hey” without a ridiculous amount of enthusiasm, it is simply a greeting. If you shout “HEY!” at another person, it is accusatory, like “HEY you little bastard get back here with my Obama Biden sign, thief!” If you’re walking down the street and pass a foxy lady and say, “Heeeey….” then you are a creep. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s lesson on the diversity of the F word.

If you haven’t seen Gran Torino yet, do everything in your power to do so immediately. “Isn’t that the movie where Clint Eastwood is like ninety years old and really pissed off?” Yes. It’s hilarious. If you, like me, enjoy crude sarcasm, racism, violence, and watching Clint Eastwood be a badass old bastard, you will love this movie. I have never heard so many racial slurs for the word “Asian” in my life. I really felt like I had been educated, as well as entertained. It was like Rosetta Stone for neo-nazis. Go see it.

I wish my life consisted of a simple cycle of sleeping in, eating Mexican food, watching The Office, Facebooking, going to Blockbuster, drinking Malbec and snuggling, and being in bed by 11 p.m. on a nightly basis. I would be tickled pink. I think they call this “college,” but I am no longer in that environment. I also wish I got paid to write Facebook notes. I briefly saw an ad in the margin of my home page the other day that said, “GET PAID TO BLOG!” which immediately caught my attention. Unfortunately the moment I noticed the ad was during a pause after clicking another link since my stolen internet takes fifty years to do anything, and it was too late to click it once it changed pages. Now it’s gone forever. My opportunity has passed.

I am currently sitting on my crumb covered couch, sipping on a Fresca and waiting for my nails to dry. At 3:00 I have a hair appointment to get some highlights which I am looking forward to. Few things make me happier than being pampered and doing things to make me even better looking, which is a daunting task indeed. Afterward I will be selling a knife or twelve and then seeing Slumdog Millionaire with my attention-deprived and overly affectionate roommate Brandon, who needs more hugs than a child with cancer.

I still love him though.

Off to stalk people. Possibly you. Unless you’re ugly.

___________________________________________________________________

“When it’s been a year since your last shit, you shit like you haven’t taken a shit for a year.”

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One Response to “Looking for: something sloppy.”

  1. Johnny May 26, 2011 at 11:43 pm #

    Gran Torino was complete shit. The acting was horrible at best and replace Eastwood with Scruff McGruff and a blind man wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Clint needs to give it up, if he’s not riding a horse, smoking 10,000 cigarettes, stealing pesos and being referred to as ‘The Man With No Name’ then there’s no room for him in Hollywood.

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