Hey baby…what are you wearing?

8 Feb

Before I answer, let me tell you what I was wearing four days ago: shorts, flip flops, and a t-shirt. What am I wearing today? Boots, sweats, a hoodie, my winter coat, and mittens. It’s snowing. It’s fucking snowing. May is in two days. Come on, planet earth. I go from flaking out on the couch in a rotten sweat with the air conditioner going full blast and producing ice, to hovering over a makeshift fire in my living room just to keep feeling in my fingers and toes. This is downright ridiculous.

I think I’ve actually damaged my brain from alcohol abuse. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time at the library attempting to finish my paper that was due today, and on at least four or five separate occasions I had to stop and try to think of certain words, staring into space with my mouth agape, ultimately asking a neighbor what word I was trying to think of. “Enhance” was one of them. Why wouldn’t I be able to think of the word “enhance?” I was typing away, and then stopped with “e.” E……essential…no….uhhh…I drooled. Then I asked Kehly what I was trying to say. She judged me for being stupid.

Why aren’t baseball pitchers more afraid of getting whomped in the face with the return of the baseball? You’re directly in the line of fire there, sir. That ball is coming for you like a seeker missile going 90 miles per hour, and you’re not wearing a suit of armor? What are you thinking? It’s not like you’re getting bumped by a Nerf ball. Your face will be impaled. You’ll leave looking like Quazimoto, but with fewer teeth, and a lower functioning brain. I think the catcher and the pitcher should switch gear. Think about it, MLB.

Three weeks. Three more weeks til summer. Can I make it? Things are looking grim. My motivation is nonexistent. My jonesing for sleep is undeniable. My appetite for alcohol is ravenous and unappeasable. Somebody help.

Why is it when people eat cottage cheese, they mix it up so much with their spoon, rummaging around in it like they’re looking for marshmallows in their Lucky Charms? I do it too. But there’s no reason. It’s not like there are “good parts” to your cottage cheese. It’s consistent the entire way through; lumpy, unappealing, and fungal. Think about it.

It’s time for me to go turn in my mediocre, incorrectly written paper that I half-assed but still pouted over. Adios muchacho.

“I think college kinda cancels itself out. You learn new things, but you drink out the old.”
-Johnny “drunk as a skunk” Kocourek


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