Freeze Out.

8 Feb

When I moved to the United States in 1993, I didn’t realize I was actually moving to the North Pole. The current temperature? Negative three degrees Fahrenheit, not including the windchill factor. It is actually painful to stand outside. I risk frostbite stepping outside to check the mail. I am guaranteed to get hypothermia traveling from my front door to my car in the parking lot. I’m about to hunt a seal and skin it for warmth; Columbia just isn’t cutting it anymore.

So I work in an office that is on the basement level of a 3 story building. Upstairs, the American Stroke Foundation is located, along with some other small organizations including The Youth Symphony and more. I don’t know what it is they do upstairs, but it sounds like there are silverback gorillas constantly dropping bowling balls on the floor directly above our office. It’s very obnoxious. Like right now it sounds like zebras are stampeding through the American Stroke Foundation and trampling their employees to death. What are they doing up there? Are they supplementing their income by also offering private tap dancing lessons to the morbidly obese? Is that what’s happening? Did they recently hire a deaf person, and are communicating through some form of morse code via the floor? It needs to stop. Our applicants are scared.

In other news, Christmas is just around the corner, and I have all my shopping and gift wrapping finished and ready to go. I am QUITE excited to give presents to people. There is nothing I enjoy more. Except sleeping. And possibly watching the Animal Planet. I had to actually go out an purchase gift wrapping materials for the first time this year. Usually I just jog downstairs and rummage through the room my mom has designating as gift-wrapping central. This year I was without those resources to mooch off of. Doing things like grocery shopping and buying wrapping paper makes me feel like a mom.

My car alarm consistently went off every 2 1/2 hours last night. I wanted to kill myself and set my car on fire. Not only did the alarm randomly keep going off, but my car also started every time. On five separate occasions, I had to spring out of bed, get dressed, grab my keys and run outside in the frigid weather to the parking lot to curse at my car. I’m actually concerned that my car will run out of gas because it keeps starting and running on its own. I was really worried that I had pissed my neighbors off with the frequent loud and obnoxious sirens throughout the night. Then I remembered that my neighbors are all ripe old senior citizens and they probably couldn’t hear a blow horn if it sounded in their face.

The other day on the news I saw that Planned Parenthood is now offering gift certificates people can purchase as gifts for their loved ones. Several things came to mind. For starters, shouldn’t you be offended as the recipient of one of these gift certificates? Like what are you trying to say? I am typically against giving/receiving gift certificates as gifts, because it doesn’t seem very personal. Let alone gift certificates for Trojans. Next, should you be friends with someone who legitimately needs a gift card for condoms and birth control on Christmas, or for any occasion for that matter? Oddly enough, I can think of 3 people who legitimately need this. Embarrassing. You decide, but if you receive one of these gifts, reconsider living.

I know God exists, because apple cider exists. I have been really into hot beverages as of late. Chai, mint tea, apple cider, hot cocoa, the list is ever-growing. I like to think that someone thought of me before they started making these elixirs. Mm.

Well, I’m off to be productive. Merry Christmas! Or if you’re black, Happy Kwanzaa. I think.

Brandon: “Everything is so Christmasy! We’ve got lights, trees, music, milk, cookies–”
Me: “Well milk and cookies isn’t THAT Christmasy.”
Brandon: “What?!? That’s what Santa eats!”

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