8 Feb

You know what I don’t want to happen? To be looking at somebody’s Facebook profile and have them come up behind me and see. Even though it’s not weird to be looking at someone’s page, if they see you looking at their page, it is. This is especially risky if you’re online at a public computer lab such as the library. If I want to creep on someone’s Facebook, I want to do it in the privacy of my own home, ya know?

I think it’d be funny to chain your bike to someone else’s bike and then leave. How pissed would that person be? They can’t do anything about it except wait. It’s like trying to get over a hang over. There’s nothing you can do. I wish my bike had more than one tire on it, because I would.

If you’re partying with someone and you get freaky with them at the bars, often they try to come back to your place with you. But sometimes there are people that you just do NOT want to accompany you home. Who are these people? Acquaintances. It’s perfectly fine when a stranger you sucked face with at Brother’s comes over for seconds at bar-close, and the same goes for someone you know very, very well, but acquaintances? No go.

For the first time in my life the other day, I caught a meter-person red-handed assigning tickets to cars. It was like spotting a rare bird. A rare bird that I wanted to shoot at with a .22. Until that day, the university police had been like an invisible disease, sneaking around unseen and blemishing our driving records. I don’t like them.

This weekend was a success all in all, as it usually is. I strapped my drinking helmet on at 2:30 in the afternoon on Saturday and began inhaling vodka-Sprites like it was the air I breathed. It was Jingram’s birfday, and in celebration, they had a keg/BBQ extravaganza. I was good and drunk by 4 p.m. Johnny was obliterated. Kehly was practically sober. And so, the drinking games began. After several rounds of Hockey and other games that we decided to quit halfway through, Kehly was feeling better, I was only getting drunker, and Johnny was unconscious.

We continued to abuse alcohol throughout the afternoon, and as evening approached, more and more people started coming, including my Art of Theater class, and Steve and Cole. Molly, Joe “Gay” Favia, Johnogay, and Johnogay’s hickie came around ten to the party. At this point, I was aware that I was at a decent functioning level. That had to change. Mixed drinks turned into shots, and I quickly and not-so-quietly drained my jug of vodka. By 10:30, I had drank over 2/3 of my handle of Hawkeye entirely to myself. Why was I still walking? I took more shots. Johnogay decided to match every shot I took by chugging a beer. This resulted in him grabbing a burning log out of the fire with his bare hands.

After “bonding” with my classmates, I blacked out. I apparently passed out for a brief period of time, which I have no memory of. I escaped being attacked with a Sharpie, and got a second wind. I have no idea what I was doing up until then, but at 4:00 a.m. I decided to go home. I had walked no farther than a block from the party house when a car stopped me. An overweight Mexican man whose name escapes me asks, “Do you need a ride?” This sounded fantastic, but rape did not.

“I don’t know,” I began. “…I have no idea who you are. Are you planning on raping and/or killing me?” I ask. He laughs and says no. I wanted to say no, but I wanted to say yes more. So I did. I hopped in the car, and asked him if we could make a pit stop before he brought me home, as I had to retrieve my key from Kehly at Cole’s place. I do, and he drives to my apartment. “Can I have your number? I’ll call you tomorrow and see what’s up,” he says. I give him a fake number and speed walk into my apartment and bolt the door. End.

Today I woke up feeling like I had been struck by a moving vehicle. I stumbled to the bathroom to see how bad I looked, and called Cole to reflect on the evening. Then Johnny, Cole, Kehly and I went to Village Inn where Kehly finally came out of the closet. After stuffing myself silly with French toast, I arrived late to a required play for Theater where I met my other hung over classmates. I sat through the play with a headache strong enough to kill a man, stinking of vodka, bonfire, and syrup. Intermission finally arrived, and we decided to get McDonald’s instead of watch the second act. Good decision.

WELL. That wraps up my weekend. I have five pages to write for a paper due in mere hours, so Facebook needs to fuck off. I keep cheating on my homework with it.

A few outgoing texts:

“Okay good I–ve been ve. already been here anywhere.”



And, a few texts from Kelli Beyer:

“Super drunk. Mighers just uledu tire car.”


“itser tanked”

“Do’m coul wish.swingangyoo”

“Yeah. Quotes tanked.”

“We . Stress eVokl”

Me: “Wanna cyber? I mean I’m already going at it with Zach, but I can handle a threesome.”
Kehly: “I’m not into boys…and I think Zach might have a dick.”


One Response to “Drunkl.”

  1. woodynyou February 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm #

    I missed those drunken college weekends owing my having skipped college and pursuing a career as a jazz pianist. So instead I had drunkedn weeknights!

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