Today I wiped out. Twice. I wasn’t drunk. There was no snow on the ground. Or ice. Nobody had spilled Crisco on the sidewalk. The shoes I recently purchased from PacSun caused my spills; a pair of white flip flops. Adorable, I might add, but they have less traction than a newborn baby coated in extra virgin olive oil and shoe shiner. On two separate occasions while walking to and from my car in the parking lot this afternoon, my slippery shoes caused me to violently wipe out on the pavement. Very embarrassing. I might sue.
I’m not going to sue. I’m far too lazy.
I started the day off by waking up at roughly 4 a.m. to discover that I had become either ill or was experiencing a very irritating allergic reaction. After shuffling to the bathroom and blowing my nose six ways to Tuesday, I returned to bed until about 9 a.m. when I got up for real to get some work done. Did a few appointments, came home, ate eggs, and then Brandon and I went to see Friday the 13th; the 43rd remake of it. It blows my mind how many times they will remake one movie. It also blows my mind how producers will do anything to find a way to weasel nudity into films.
Then we went to Target to “buy shit.” We were in need of nothing. We went in aimlessly and knew we would come out with new items. My most exciting purchase was a pair of baby blue man pajamas with a big dick hole in the front. Am I bothered by this obvious opening? Sort of. Perhaps I will learn to sew.
The other day at the office I was running an interview. I went into the room and gathered some applications from people and brought them inside Brandon’s office to look over. One girl’s application said the following:
Really? Who goes into a professional place of business in hopeful search of a job and writes that “pain” is among their favorite interests? Who thinks that this is okay? You are not applying to work as a cage fighter, Sarah. You are applying for a customer sales and service position. Had I given her more time to write, I’m sure things like eating toads, making barbed-wire bracelets, and asphyxiation would have been on her list of interests. People.
Listen kids. I am congested. I want you to know this. I feel like I am breathing through a pillow. I am nearly gasping for air. I am afraid to admit that I would go as far as to say that I am currently a “mouth breather.” Not good. This nice weather is enough to make be spring a rubbery one, but let me tell you what, my sinuses feel differently. Pass me the Claritin D, dad—a prescription large enough for an Indian elephant, because that’s the power I need to recover.
Well, I’m bored. The internet is boring me. Of course when I say “the” internet, I mean the “stolen” internet that I weasel from other people in the building who actually pay for it. I’m just trying to make a living.
“You always know how to cheer me up when I’m waiting in line at the DMV.”