Applying Yourself.

8 Feb

I currently work as an assistant manager at my company, my responsibilities of which including tasks like answering the phone, running training, and interviewing applicants. I have only run a total of 5 interviews so far this fall, but apparently five interviews is enough to collect the dumbest individuals the Omaha metropolitan area has produced. Allow me to give a few examples to illustrate my point.

As a rule of thumb, job applications have pretty simple questions on them. There are no right or wrong answers, just information we’ve known our entire lives, like our names for example. Or our date of birth. Perhaps our address, or our telephone number. Pretty basic information; you don’t need a master’s degree to answer them. Anyway, a few I’ve come across really blew my mind. For instance:

Age: 4?
…if you aren’t sure how old you are, and you’re trying to ballpark it, first ask yourself a few questions: “Did I drive here?” You might be 16 years of age or above. “Am I wearing Oshkosh BiGosh?” You might be under the age of 5. “Can I legally purchase alcohol?” You are likely to be 21 or older. Still not sure? Call your mom and ask.

Age: no
Maybe the wording on the application wasn’t clear, but when it asked for your age, it wasn’t a yes or no question. Unless you are a zygote swimming around in the womb, you have an age. It might be 18. It might be 22. It could also be 4? apparently. “No” isn’t the answer that we’re looking for. Try again; this isn’t Celebrity Jeopardy.

If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go: backpack acros yerup.
I’m not sure how hard it is to get a passport, but typically you have to be able to read and write for those kinds of things. The only thing this person should be doing with a backpack is filling it with language arts books and hiking their ass back to the first grade.

Do you have any previous sales experience? saleing pies.
Punching buttons on a cash register at Village Inn for a grandma who wants to buy a country apple pie isn’t sales, Robert. Also, see if you can hitch a ride with the aspiring Euro-traveler to elementary.

A question I asked one applicant during an interview was, “If you were considering purchasing a product in a store, no matter what the product was, what are some things you would look for in that product to make sure it was going to be high quality?” The applicant, an Asian named Tan, stared at me for what felt like two entire minutes, not saying anything. I stared back, waiting for an answer. Finally he stuttered out, “Ahhhhmm…comm-oona-kaySHAN?”

No, Tan.

There are some real winners out there kids.

ANYway, I’m out like bellbottom jeans.

“SPICY, spicy. HOT, hot.”

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