8 Feb

It’s official. I’ve developed a very real and very serious addiction. It’s getting noticeable; I think people are starting to worry. I cannot, stop, drinking, Crystal Light Peach Tea. Can’t stop. If I’m not guzzling Crystal Light, I’m sprinting to the bathroom to pee it out. As soon as I’ve sucked down a water bottle full, I’m scurrying off to the water fountain to fill it back up. If I can’t get it fast enough, I twitch. It’s only a matter of time before I’m snorting it out of the packet. People are going to catch me doing lines off the receptionist desk at work. I’m awaiting a call from AE’s Intervention. Somebody intervene, I’m struggling.

I hate automatic flushing toilets. Actually, I take that back; specifically I hate automatic flushing toilets that flush prematurely. There is nothing quite as unpleasant as a surprise splash of cold water when you’re only partway through your bid-ness (that’s “business” in ebonics, in case you were curious). If I wanted a bidet experience, I would sign up for it. Stop it, GE.

2009 is officially here, ladies and gentlemen. I trust you all had a great celebratory experience, whatever your vice may be, be it Scattergories and nachos, or binge drinking and Lil Wayne. I started the night out with a feast at a restaurant called Barley’s. After having some pasta and a few drinks, we headed over to a new year’s party. I was standing on a treadmill when the ball dropped. I celebrated the coming of the new year in style, sipping (also see “gulping”) Cristal and eating caviar. A little more stylish than last year; I believe I was taking shots of Hawkeye and falling down basement steps in a sticky keg party.

On that note, does anybody remember Y2K? Really? Apparently computers were supposed to shut themselves down because they wouldn’t think they exist, so people hauled ass to the stores in a panicky frenzy to stock up on bottled water, Spaghettios, toilet paper and duct tape, stampeding home to seal their windows and hide under the stairs. As if when Packard Bell turns on the world, taping your house shut with duct tape is going to save your soul. People.

I’m off to leak Peach Tea like a faulty faucet.

Your mom,


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