The shot heard around the world.

5 Feb

For the second time in the past two weeks that I have donated plasma, I have been assaulted via needle by the presumably unlicensed phlebotomist “Christina” from BioLife. Now, to keep Christina’s identity private, we’ll just refer to her as “Joseph Stalin.”

Mr. Stalin does not know what the shit she is doing with that syringe and that bag of saline. Last time I was attended to by her while donating plasma, she missed my vein a good baker’s dozen times. Finally she called over a different assistant to fix her “mistakes,” but not after torturing me for two or three minutes and hazardously poking around inside my body like she was playing fucking Operation.

Today I entered BioLife and took a seat in my section to wait for someone to tend to me. I scan the room, and notice that Joseph was roaming about the area. I desperately searched the room for a different assistant in hopes that they would stick me instead of her, praying that by some divine miracle, she would be granted lunch break before she found me.

Not so. The blood-sucking vampire approached me with smile that beamed artificial confidence. I was doomed. She starts checking for my vein in my right arm, which I have been told on numerous accounts is a fantastic vein to stick, because it’s huge and doesn’t roll. Kind of like my belly. After rubbing around for several seconds, she says, “Hmm…your vein is pretty tough.” Great. I’ve got Ray Charles trying to stick my vein.

To make me feel more at ease, she exclaims, “Well I hope I get this in there on the first try!”

You’d fucking better, Ted Bundy. I refuse to be tortured by your amateur ass. Get me Curtis. Get me Curtis immediately.

She stabs the needle into my arm, and promptly says, “Oops!” Predictable. You fucking did it again, Britney. She pushes it in more and more as if I’m her voodoo doll to toy with. Finally she decides, “I’m just going to have someone else do this. I’m not in the mood.” Not in the mood to do what; your job? Properly? She calls over Stephanie, my savior. Stephanie examines what Stalin has done. “Wow. This needle is like in your bicep.” Really? I had no idea. She fixes it and walks back to her original station. Joseph Stalin steps closer and asks, “Alright, how does that feel? She’s not very gentle.”

SHE’S not very gentle? Quit your job immediately. McDonald’s is hiring part-time for all positions right across the street. You don’t need a license or a degree there. Sounds like more of your calling. Citag.

I work hard for my money.

“Smokin hot male to my left. Too bad I look like a cunt and probably smell like a rabbit.”

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