This weekend past was spent in Ames doing what my friends and I do best: cross-country skiing.
Ha. Drinking, of course, since that’s all I really do with my life, not that I’m ashamed. After watching Dane complete Edward UV Hands with a bottle of UV Blue and a 2 liter of Sprite in 23 minutes by 7 p.m. on Friday, the rest of us drank slightly less irresponsibly and began our adventures. Kayla and I sprinted to Legacy for John Harvey’s keg, and somehow got separated throughout the course of the following 45 minutes. I found myself in the company of James and Drew, but was otherwise alone. After purchasing a cup and drinking only half a beer, I decided to go get Taco Bell.
I gallop up to the drive-thru and attempt to order, as I always do. The lady working apologizes and says she cannot serve me if I am not in a vehicle. Naturally I don’t give up that easily, and I walk straight up to the pick-up window. I knock. Again, the employee approaches. “Honey, I’m sorry, but I really can’t serve you unless you’re in a car.”
“But I just want a burrito! Can’t you just make me one anyway?! No one is around!”
Again she replies no, a little more sternly this time, and turns to walk back into the kitchen. I pry the windows open and stick my face inside. “BUT ALL I WANT IS A CHEESY BEAN AND RICE BURRITO!!!”
The woman becomes angry and tells me I need to leave. I retort, “I’ll be back, and I WILL get my burrito! You’ll see me again tonight!!” I storm off across the street to the gas station parking lot as a car simultaneously pulls up and parks. I knock on the driver’s side window. The driver looks oddly at me, and then he and the passenger exchange weird glances, and he slowly rolls down the window.
“Can I help you?”
“You guys aren’t rapists, are you?”
They look shocked. “No? Do we look like rapists?!”
“I don’t know, I’ve never seen one. Would you drive me through Taco Bell? They won’t let me order on foot.”
They agree, but say they first have to go purchase beer inside the filling station. I join them and help them carry their booze while carrying on friendly conversation with the clerk working at the register. We load up the car with Natural Ice and cross the street toward TB. After putting in my order, we pull around to the pick-up window and wait. And wait. And wait.
Six minutes go by, and nobody has given us our food. Eventually a skinny male employee tentatively opens the window, and says to the driver, “..um…we can’t serve you.”
We all look pissed and confused. “Well why not??”
The employee looks in the back seat and points at me. “Because of her.”
The dumb bitch that refused to serve me earlier was standing in the back of the store with her arms crossed. I am outraged and demand they give us service, as I am 99% sure you cannot refuse somebody service like that. I would have busted out laws and combative debate, but I was too drunk to even repeat the alphabet.
I am heartbroken. My two new friends turn to me and offer their condolences, and apologize for my unforunate luck. They invite me to the party that they are going to, but I decline. They drop me off at Katie’s apartment.
Eventually people start returning to the apartment. Turns out all of us had separated, like all twelve of us. Katie had been alone at the apartment until she left to go to a party. I had been alone at Legacy. Dane had been alone at Legacy earlier, before I had gone, and had successfully broken his ankle, vomitted all over himself, and pissed his pants. Kayla didn’t know where she was. Kelli had gone to a different party entirely, and came back with a bag full of stolen goods in the form of a flask, two shot glasses, and a jug of Seagram’s. Jeremy had not been with anyone either. We do not know how this happened.
Midge and I eat pizza and pass out.
The following night, we decided to drink a little more slowly so that we could all make it out as a group for Emma’s birthday party. Before we start drinking, Richard finds a giant paper sack and cuts holes in it for eyes and a frown for a mouth. We decide to label the bag “PARTY FOUL” and whoever party fouled had to wear it until the next person party fouled. This turned out to be great fun.
The rules were as followed:
2) Not finishing a beer
3) Not finishing a shot
4) Throwing up
6) Hurting yourself
7) Peeing anywhere but the toilet
8) Having sex with Dane
9) Taking the morning-after pill
10) not saying SPAGET! before sitting down
All of these rules were broken. It was a great night. We headed out to Emma’s to fiesta for her birthday. I get head-butted in the chest. Jamie passes out with her head in a freezer ontop of a bag of Pizza Rolls. Richard breaks his breathalyzer. Jeremy gets 4 hickies. Kehly gets 100 bruises. I am told I look “like Paramore” by a girl who I conclude is on acid. I steal beer and blueberry bagels. BP vomits. Drew gets slapped. A lot. Katie gets carried home. A-plus.
Dane, Zach and I are awake until 7:00 a.m. playing Scrabble, screaming at people who were snoring, and making loud, derogatory comments about Mexicans; specifically THE Mexicans who were sleeping on the floor next to us. We talk about going to McDonald’s for breakfast, but don’t. Eventually we fall asleep, but get up at 9:30 to wake and bake.
Rich, BP, Dana, Tanner, Jamie, Dane and I toke on the front porch of Katie’s apartment. A girl pulls up in front of us in her Grand Prix and waits for her other friend to come out. We wave, and smoke in front of her. We chuckle. After 3 solid hits, I grab my shit and get in the car with Kehly and Jeremy for the ride home in the treacherous blizzard. We pick up Bailey and Mike and start the 4 hour (which should have been well under 2 hour-) drive.
Twenty minutes into the trip:
Me: “I don’t want to be up here anymooore.”
Kehly: “..Up where?”
Me: “Just up.”
Me: “yeaaaah…(pedophile laugh).”
We hit up McDonald’s. I binge. Good day.
Outgoing texts for the weekend:
“I am drunkeng”
“Hystemke so much from the party I was just at”
Conversation between Kelli and I:
Me: “Hair came accu”
Kelli: “I gamue curritnr”
Kelli: “Don.uk tell maddro we stkl.”
Me: “We did good”
Kelli: “Dug. Come to my room tonson.”
Me: “I’m pumped actu our findings”
Good shit. Fuck the cold.
“Do you want white? Chocolate? One of each?”
“White will be fine.”
..White will be supreme. Hahah.