You Stanky.

3 Feb

Well, I find myself again in the comfort of the ITC. I just got done with a small portion of studying, and now I’m getting antsy because a) I have to pee, b) Amy mentioned making a pizza, and c) I may or may not have ADHD. Those things put aside, I should get a good amount of studying done throughout the evening, or I’m screwed.

Tonight, Kehly, Amy, Steve, Nick and I are planning a little Christmas Cozy if you will, complete with every form of Christmas festivity you can imagine: we’re baking cupcakes, making Oreo balls, chocolate pretzels, drinking eggnog, admiring the colored lights, and watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

hahah..yeah, you’d think we’d watch Elf or The Santa Clause or something else more appropriate, but I happened upon a large stand of Pirates DVDs in Hy-Vee and couldn’t resist. I’m very excited.

…Very….excited.

Meanwhile, I have to pee. I have to pee very badly. My bladder is beginning to undergo some excruciating discomfort that I am not physically able to handle, and I might squirt all over this computer lab in a moment or two. We’ll see how long I can hold out before things get messy.

Last night while Amy and I were spending quality time in Nick’s room with himself and Steven, I came to a realization. There is such a thing as “inappropriate usage” of Febreze. Now, don’t get me wrong, Febreze is among the greatest inventions in all of American history including the Swiffer Sweeper Wet Jet, Instant Soup, beer, and of course the wheel, but there are restrictions.

Here’s the scene: Everyone in the room is nice and cozy and comfortable, simply enjoying Rush Hour 2, when suddenly Steve rips ass in a fashion that could knock out an entire Mongolian army within seconds. My lungs freeze up and people start puking as I look around for something to relieve the condition of the air around us. Through the fog of gas I see Febreze, but to my dismay it’s the “Apple Spice & Delight” scent. Ordinarily this is quite the pleasant Christmasy aroma, but when mixed with pure methane fart, it is not so satisfying. Instead of a fresh relief, we get a combination of anus and apple pie: ipso facto, anus pie. Not good.

So I’ve composed a little “reference” or “guide” for you all to keep in mind when making an air-freshening decision. It looks something like the following:

Any scent that is natural and reminds you of spring-time or the air in the mountains such as Linen & Sky, Meadows & Rain, or my personal favorite, Rocky Springs & Cool (it’s so good I could eat it) is *refreshing* and may be used, if necessary, to diffuse malodorous scents (see “gas, feces, body odor, Kehly”).

Other scents that are floral, powdery, or spicy such as Spring & Renewal, Apple Spice & Delight, or any other flowery or “artificial type scent” may be used to freshen a room that is WITHOUT harmful odors, but a combination of the two, or if it is used to cover up a nasty smell, is not acceptable.

Color codes are also effective: Green and blue= Good. Pink, purple, red, or orange= Watch out unless you’re using sparingly.


That’s all for now folks.

“I’m stanky rich; I’ma die tryna spend this shit!”

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