Sudafed before I’m dead.

3 Feb

Things have become serious. I can officially no longer breathe through my face, and my chances of survival are looking slim to none. I am congested and miserable. This warm springtime weather has brought about a wave of atrocious allergies for yours truly, and I’m not sure that I’m going to make it out alive.

In other horrifying news, Mayflower has become a steamy, stifling jungle. Everyone is sticky. It’s so hot, it’s unbearable. To make it worse, they refuse to turn the air conditioning on until April 11th. We’re all going to rot in our rooms. The smell will be enough to kill a man.

In an effort to make the conditions more liveable, we of course opened our windows to let the fresh air inside. Unfortunately, there is a small hole about the size of a fifty cent piece in our screen to the bedroom. While Marcus, Nick, Kehly and I were laying about being lazy pieces of S and watching The Nutty Professor, Nick spotted a GIGANTIC mutant hornet that had apparently climbed through the hole and was now buzzing around on our screen.

This thing was bigger than any insect I have ever seen in my entire life–it was like a super hornet; it could have killed a moose.

…by looking at it.

Anyway, we’re freaking out because the wasp of Satan could, at any moment, end all our lives with it’s pitch fork stinger. Nick jumps up and slams the window shut, trapping Lucifer between the screen and the window. We watch it for several minutes while it climbed around the edges of the screen, trying to find its way out. Of course it covered every square inch of screen EXCEPT the hole right in the middle where it came in in the first place.

Now, we would have been fine with holding the winged beast hostage until it died, but we honestly could not afford to leave the window closed any longer on account of how life-threateningly hot it was in our room. Marcus opens the window a crack and starts attempting to assassinate the carnivorous insect with Tilex. It fails, and only provokes him. Some time passes, and we are beginning to see mirages due to the heat. Something had to be done.

Marcus obtains a Glad container and suggests we quickly slide the window open and trap the super-hornet inside and guide it to the hole in the screen so it can go outside and kill other people. He waited in front of the window for a considerable amount of time, trying to gather enough courage to make the move. Unfortunately, that moment never came, and I was left with Nick and Kehly to go in.

I probably stood in front of the window for upwards to ten minutes trying to grow a pair and make the move, but I became increasingly anxious–if I didn’t catch it fast enough, it would quickly escape and everyone would be killed. This was serious.

Finally the heat got to me, and you could say I turned into a crazy person. After swinging the window open, I slammed the Glad container over the ferocious beast. It’s safe to say he was less than happy, and I honestly feared that it could sting me THROUGH the plastic container. The devil creature began buzzing ferociously, jabbing his ridiculously sized stinger into the screen, damn near puncturing multiple new holes for the rest of his satanic army to enter. It didn’t cooperate with me much as I attempted to guide it toward the exit, so it took a few minutes to get it there. Finally it made its way out, and shot like a rocket into the great outdoors where it endangered other innocent creatures like ourselves.

The end.

I’ll post pictures, and by “I” I mean “Nick.”

“I don’t want to get made fun oooof!”

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