I am sweaty. I am always sweaty. Enough about that.
Well, the last couple weeks of summer have been phenomenal of course. Lots of drinking, lots of sleeping. Lots of sleeping while drunk. The other night I drank until 3 a.m. and then awoke at 7:15 for an eye appointment. Naturally that was headed for disaster; my vision was clearly affected negatively by my blood alcohol content, so no one can be certain how accurate my vision test was. Ha. Things could be worse.
Automatic toiletries: friend or foe?
The other day while utilizing a public restroom, I was rudely interrupted by a premature automatic flushing toilet multiple times before I finished my business. I went into this thing expecting your average toilet experience, not a bidet. I didn’t sign up for the water works portion. Discomforts and inconveniences put aside, I suppose I appreciate not contracting AIDS from a toilet handle teeming with germs from other unclean Americans.
I’m sure you all are more than familiar with Jimmy John’s “gourmet sandwiches.” They’re delicious, and I would kill a small child for a BLT any day of the week. However, I don’t know whose idea it was to begin bursting into an obnoxious chorus when customers walk through the door. The first time I entered the restaurant, I was startled to be slapped in the face with an explosive “welcoming” song by the employees. It’s just unnecessary. If I want music with my food, I’ll go to Chuck E. Cheese’s and wait for the robotic concert, and also sit in the designated area for people who WANT to be exposed to the mediocre musical. “Yeah, I’ll have a Turkey Tom minus the jingle please?” Try that on for size, Jim.
I think it’s safe to say that Britney Spears has officially gone off the reservation. I’ve become clinically addicted to watching the E! and I would consider myself well educated in the field of Spears’ insanities. What’s this bitch doing back in the limelight, and who gave her an umbrella? Spears reportedly wiped her greasy chickeny hands on a Gucci gown on the set of her repulsive new stripper theme music video, and then allowed her dog to take a shiv on a $7,000 dress. Most recently she attacked a paparazzi by hurling a baby bottle at him. Interesting. Why isn’t this woman in a straight jacket? Who let her have children? Look Britney, the 90s were good for you, but I think it’s time to throw in the towel. You’ve lost your physique, your sanity, your kids, and your talent wasn’t there to begin with. Kill yourself.
Has anyone else seen the commercial for Sarah Jessica Parker’s new fragrance “Covet?” I hope not. I am literally afraid of this woman at this point. After dramatically kicking through a glass window in stiletto heels to retrieve the drum of perfume (it really is just oversized, I’m telling you), Sarah Jessica is arrested, and then stares like a crazy person out the back window of the police van and scarily whispers, “I had to have it!” This commercial did not entice me to even want so much as to sniff a tester of Covet. All this commercial did was leave me wide-eyed and feeling unsafe. The next news story you’ll be seeing is a headline announcing the murder of Sarah Jessica Parker, and then me whispering, “I had to kill her!” in the back of a police car. Shiver.
In other news, this weekend is “Tax Free Weekend” at the M.O.B., meaning I will be offing myself by 4 p.m. central daylight time, Sunday the 5th of August. Go ahead and pull out your most conservative black suit, because I will be no longer. I plan on strapping explosives to my chest before heading into work tomorrow. As if Taco John’s doesn’t put me on the brink of insanity as it is, now they’re holding special events to see how fast I can go over the edge. Today was ridiculously busy. Upon entering the mall, I felt as though I was at the Shrine Circus; there were children running around with popcorn and colorful balloons. It was chaos. All because the dirts of Council Bluffs want to save 7 cents for every dollar that they spend. People are complete degenerates if they think they’re getting a deal. Tax Free Weekend means that you have to spend $100 to save $7. Is it really worth it? Is it honestly worth shoving through the overweight civilians who smell like sweat in a line that wraps around the entire west wing of the mall? And for what, Yankee Candle? East India Treasures? There’s nothing in the Mall of the Bluffs worth saving money ON. Just go home. Go home and then end your life. Jiminy cricket.
“Good job Allison! Except next time, it’s ‘ABC,’ not ‘NBC.’ Oh, and you’re fired.”