I Need SPF 5,000.

3 Feb

Biiiicycle, Biiiicycle, Biiiicycle!

I no longer possess the skills to ride a bicycle. Whoever coined the phrase “it’s like riding a bike” was on illegal narcotics. I used to have a really flamboyant pink and purple bicycle with iridescent streamers and a glittery jelly seat. It was tragically homosexual, and I later got a flashy green Huffy; a MOUNTAIN bike. Boy was I ecstatic. Years later, I attempt to ride a bicycle in my driveway, and I have never been more afraid in my entire life. I may as well have been on a unicycle in a busy intersection. I was terrified.

I’m listening to Queen and feeling very good about it. I am not feeling good about my stinging flesh, on the other hand. My thighs and stomach are about to burst into flames, I’m fairly certain. However, lidocaine hydrochloric acid, affectionately referred to as “aloe vera gel” in North America, is officially the greatest invention ever, second to only seamless hair ties and of course the wheel. I’ve been going to town with this wonderful green gel, and I have no regrets.

Since we’re on the topic of my life-threatening sunburn, I’ll let you in on some other fun facts about it. Although I responsibly covered my face and chest in SPF, somehow I developed a red, Harry Potter style lightning bolt-shaped burn right smack dab in the middle of my forehead. This is no dainty burn, either. It’s a full on, giant, unavoidable lightning bolt burn. Where’s my Hogwart’s letter, I know it’s coming.

Moving right along: Studying is going great, meaning it hasn’t started yet. And I’m certain we can all unanimously agree that not studying is a great feeling, so I’m right. Tonight will be spent drinking for possibly the last time with some of my friends and foes. …And hoes (Kehly). What a shame. Fall isn’t too far away though, and my what a festive reunion it will be.

I’m off to nap.

Me: “Marcus, are you gonna puke?”
Marcus: “I don’t know–Kehly, how many times did you pat me?”
Kehly: “..I don’t know?”
Marcus: “Was it more than 3?”
Kehly: “….yeahhh…?”
Marcus: “Oh no.”

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