Holy Crap.

3 Feb

Well kids, it’s been an entire galactic year since I’ve made friendly with my blog, so I apologize to all of you who depend on my weekly/bi-daily notes to satisfy your craving for entertainment and pure wit, the kind which cannot be satisfied with food and beverage alone. This is actually the second (2nd), as in one more than one, but two less than four, SECOND time I’ve been online since I have been back from school. Ways to describe this predicament include “shocking, startling, unnatural, surprising, mortifying, and impossible.” I know.

MEANwhile, how is your summer? THAT good, huh? Mine has been full of Taco John’s. Taco John has claimed his position (without asking, might I add) of authority and all around “pimp” of my life since the moment I arrived back in the 51503 from universidad. I’ve basically worked six days a week up until this week, where I barely work enough to keep clothes on my back. I don’t know what Juan is trying to do to me, but he needs to quit it before I snap his Mexican neck.


Besides Taco John’s, my schedule has included tanning my blindingly white epidermis, sleeping for uncommonly long amounts of time, stalking a hot man at Journey’s, and swimming at Laurel’s place of work. Of course today was an exceptional day; Whoredon took out the ol’ whaler on Manawa, a.k.a. “Hepatitis Lake,” where the gang and I tanned our bods and tried our hand at rejecting water-borne illnesses. That body of water is seriously toxic and unsafe for anyone not clad in a biomedical suit approved for anthrax exposure. Regardless, I was in it, and I lived to tell the story.

Anyway, the climax of this note: On Sunday, perhaps the greatest trip of our lives is to be had. After work, Katie, Laurel, Kehly, Kayla, Cole, Steve, Jesse, Gabe, Jamie, Jordan and myself are embarking on a voyage to Okoboji to visit our friend and breast enthusiast Kelli Beyer. I AM VERY EXCITE!! It will be three days full of drunken boating, drunken tanning, drunken swimming, and drunken drinking. OH BOY!! If all goes as planned and Mother Nature isn’t PMSing like a menopausal bitch, I should return as an African American. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, I’m about to engage in a Law and Order marathon and possibly shit my pants. I just ate a whole mess of codfish, and it’s turning on me.

“It looks like I have a really huge bulge right now, but it’s really just my penis.”


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