So Amy, Kehly and myself dressed up as newborn infant babies last night, as many of you may or may not know. It was a pretty effective set-up, complete with pacifier (affectionately referred to as a “binky,” if you will–your choice), diapers (they were actually Depends), bibs, and of course the baby-ish hair styles and lack of pants (we wore tights. They were tight. Tight as in…cool, or tight like wow these are cutting off my circulation? That’s for you to decide). Speaking of the Depends, people repeatedly asked us either “Where did you get those diapers?!” or my personal favorite, “How did you make those diapers??” Are you serious? I wove string out of cotton balls and sewed the diaper myself. No. I obviously bought them. WHERE did I get them? The store, retard. What really gets me is that after we answered “They’re Depends,” people would be like, “Ohhh!!” In conclusion, if you KNEW that Depends existed…why would you ask me where or how I “made” the diapers? Case closed. Go to school.
Anyway, during this extravaganza of sorts, it came to my attention that binkies are much harder to keep in your mouth than you might expect. Babies are constantly “spitting them out,” it seems, and you always assume the child is doing it for attention: Negative. Those suckers fling themselves out of one’s mouth like a rock in a sling shot. I would find my pacifier shooting from my mouth’s grasp on multiple occasions. Not only does it fling out unexpectedly, but it doesn’t just fall anywhere. For some reason it’s NEVER easy to find afterward. It’s like it grew legs and scuttled eight feet away under a coffee table that wasn’t there five minutes previous to the incident. Another thing I came to find is that binkies are quite soothing to suckle on. Try it.
When and why did the Oscar Mayer company make the executive decision to stop putting those little red sticks in their pizza Lunchables? You know, it was nothing fancy, but you used it to spread the sauce around on your crust. If I’m not mistaken, a Lunchable is supposed to be ready to eat; everything that you need should be contained IN the package. Now I end up looking like a four year-old with limited motor-skills after savagely attacking a bowl of messy spaghetti. I ultimately end up with sauce all over my hands and face, and occasionally in my hair if it gets wily, all because Oscar “Too Good” Mayer wants to save half a penny per unit sale and leave us asking, “how??” I’m obviously not going to soil a perfectly clean knife to spread my sauce, nor would I go through the trouble to retrieve one when I’m eating my supposedly ready-to-eat snack slash lunch of sorts. Instead, I end up using the sauce package itself, thus getting sauce all over my body. It always turns out I get more sauce on my hands and face than was originally even IN the package. I don’t know how that happens. Anyway, I’m angry. Get with the program, Oscar.
“Hey Becca, you wanna get up and do breakfast tomorrow?”
“Sure, but can we do it at lunch?”