Getting Wasted.

3 Feb

My ass hurts. Bad. I have been using this small, make-shift wooden stool as a computer chair since I moved into the apartment, on account of being too lazy to put together my luxury swivel chair intended to cushion my hiney like a real chair should. I like things to be assembled for me. I also like it when my ass doesn’t feel like it’s been impaled by a freight train.

There are a lot of activities I will waste substantial amounts of time doing in this lifetime, such as waiting in lines or waiting for automatic hand dryers to fully dry my hands as I’ve expressed before; however, there are several things I have already wasted a good quarter of my life doing, and I can blame the majority of them on the elementary school system:

1) Learning the Dewey Decimal System.
If I had a nickel for every minute I had to sit through an eight-hour school day learning about nothing but the fricking Dewey Decimal System, I would have no reason to further my education and pursue a money-making career. I still don’t even know what the decimal system IS. All I remember is spending repetitive, mundane days in the library, listening to our prehistoric librarian squawk about Dewey and his worthless system. I would rather listen to Ashlee Simpson’s political view on the war in Iraq than suffer through anything library-related. We have the internet for a reason.

2) Learning to write in cursive.
I feel like second through fifth grade was spent solely on repeatedly writing capital and lowercase cursive letters on those thin pieces of paper with dashed blue lines. And for what? So I can legibly sign receipts at the bank? Those three years could have been utilized teaching us about how to pack a bowl, how to hold our alcohol, or how to use T9– things that would have actually benefited me in life. If I turned in a handwritten assignment to my college professor, I would be rejected immediately and kicked in the nuts. Computers were also invented for a reason. Cursive was a waste of time.

3) Learning about the card catalogue.
Again, more library shit. Fourth grade, from what I remember, was dedicated to learning how to use a card catalogue to locate books in a library. I never learned. I never learned, and I don’t think anyone else did either. Put me in a library to this day and tell me to find a specific book, and you’re looking at what would resemble an English-speaking American dropped off in Hong Kong with a road map written in Braille. When I go into a library, I make a bee-line for the main desk and ask the broad working there to direct me to my desired book. So far I’ve never been told to go fly a kite, so until then, thanks for wasting another year of my childhood.

I think this problem overall could be solved by eliminating elementary school altogether. All kids get from elementary are scraped knees, ear infections, and a lowered self esteem anyway.

Onto more important matters: this weekend is the Iowa vs. Iowa State game, meaning Kehly, myself, and the boys will pack up the van and head to Ames on Friday (shotgun by the way). If you think I will not be drunk on arrival, you are sorely mistaken. I plan on being drunk enough to be able to receive an OWI while riding a bicycle. Reach for the stars, that’s what mom always told me.

Bedtime. Back off, Britney.

“The anus is a pretty tight hole, Becca.”
-Kehly Ann Hansen


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