Drinking: My Anti-Drug.

3 Feb

Good morn, all. How are things. Fat-nastic.

Well, I awake yet again to be greeted by an unforgivable state of morning drunkenness and a thirst that seems to be too great to be quenched, and if you think I’m anything but totally pleased with myself, you are incorrect.

While we’re on the topic, I keep waking up at childish hours such as this, and for example 5 o’clock in the morn in a half drunken stupor, unable to go back to sleep. Given those circumstances, I have nothing to do but Facebook the shit out of Facebook, or clean my room. I chose the prior, and I’m pretty sure I have informed a good third of my friends in the Iowa/ Iowa State network that I am still severely intoxicated, so they’ve got that to look forward to at least.

As a side note, I would not be angry if someone sprayed Visine at my retnas at a fire-hose like force right now. My eyes are so dry, it’s simply unnecessary, and the discomfort is indescribable at this point. I would go ahead and take initiative by locating my purse and dripping excessive amounts of eye drops on my thirsty corneas if I even had half a clue as to where I dropped it upon my arrival home last night, but at this point I don’t even know if I left my apartment at all. It’s safe to say that last night was one of the drunker evenings I’ve had since I’ve been up here. I have no regrets.

Million dollar question: when the frick did I leave my home to venture out into the field of dreams last night? I have no memory of our departure. None. Nor do I have any idea as to how we got to our destination, whatever that was. I do vaguely recall the voyage home, on the other hand. I remember it being very, very difficult. My limbs and brain weren’t exactly connecting at that point, and my movement was very primitive. It was payback for Kehly, and I’m feeling pretty pleased with myself AND my blood alcohol content. On a lighter note, I think I made plenty of new friends, so that’s a plus. I don’t have any names or faces to prove it, but that’s just fine.

I awoke this morning feeling very unbalanced and anything but sober with a coffee table covered in shot glasses and beer cans, and a slew of inky tally marks on my left wrist to indicate how many shots I had taken. It stops at 14, but that’s probably because I lost my ability to grip a pen at that point. My fine motor skills were anything but up to par. The last few tallies are slanted and out of proportion to the first ten, if that’s any indication of my state of sobriety, or lack thereof. Ha. I love college.

Anyway, I think it would be in my best interest to return to the comfort of my nest and remain unconscious until at least 2 p.m. Then I’ll consider getting up and inquiring Kehly about our evening so I can find out what we did. Hopefully it’s all good news. Until then, ciao, amigos.

“Yeah, it’s like a division sign.”

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