Breadwinner.

3 Feb

People that list their height and weight in their profiles piss me off. This may as well include eye and hair color, too. Readers of your profile are not going to look at that and feel closer to you as if they have gained a better knowledge of who you are as a person because they know you consider yourself “an athletic 168 pounds.” People read your provided information and discover “Hey, he likes Samurai films and badminton just as much as I do!” not, “GASP–she’s 5’6?? We are the same height! That is neat.” No. Most people are looking for a glance into the window of “shit I like to do” or “likes and dislikes.” Informing a person of your biological dimensions is purposeless, trivial information, and individuals who do this strike me as unintelligent creatures, unable to list unique features about themselves because they have the personality of a wet mop.

Somebody behind me just moaned loudly and inappropriately.


After harping about my quickly-depleting cash flow yesterday, I started thinking of other alternative ways to conserve or collect money, other than claiming to be an illiterate bum with AIDS or illegally panhandling the streets of downtown Iowa City on various weeknights. Instead of focusing on my methods of obtaining money, why not brainstorm ways to save?

There are a lot of ways one can save.

Steal.

1) I was using a public bathroom yesterday, and noticed the multiple rolls of toilet paper freely sitting about in the restroom. I thought to myself, “If I didn’t want to spend $6 on a giant pack of toilet paper, I could easily just pillage rolls from every bathroom that I came across.” Same goes for paper towels. There are negatives to this brilliant idea, however: the softness of public bathroom tissue is usually equivalent to that of a sheet of sandpaper. I don’t like to scratch my a-hole raw with sandpaper under normal circumstances, but if it comes down to me being financially able to feed myself or wipe my ass comfortably, I’ll take what I can get.

2) Nobody enjoys spending their well earned/stolen dollars on frivolous things like dish washing detergent, or the bill that accumulates from using the washing machine. If you have a meal plan here at the university, you have undoubtedly visited the Burge dining hall. In case you haven’t noticed, it is incredibly easy and downright smart to steal their dishes, which are nicely colored which is a nice perk, and take them as your own. Depending on how many visits you are willing or able to make, you can keep stealing and tossing these dishes at your disposal. If you’ve planned ahead enough, you don’t even need to purchase your own dishes in the first place. Brilliant.

3) Plastic silverware is easily accessible at any fast food restaurant. Go in, grab as much as your paws can hold, and bring them home to use as your own.

4) There’s no need to spend money on your own bottled condiments when you can go to Arby’s and steal as many packets of ketchup and Special Sauce as you want. There is no reason why you should ever have to purchase a bottle of French’s ever again. Same goes for things like napkins and straws.

5) You can easily hijack hoards of computer paper from computer labs in various buildings, so do that, too.

6) Go to a buffet with several friends. Buy one plate and split the cost, claiming to the hostess that you are the only person without an eating disorder out of the group, leaving you as the only consumer. Pile your plate high as many times as you want, returning to the table to share with your amigos. This is like a two-for-the-price-of-one thing, except it’s five, six, or seven for the price of one. Everyone loves a deal.

Beg.

Pretty self-explanatory.

These are a just a few quick examples I had off the top of my head, but nightfall is quickly approaching and I need to get my ass home before the pedophiles come out to play. We’ll be seein’ ya.


“Yeah and he was married then. …To one woman.”

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