So in College Transitions the other day, we got this random sheet that listed the “20 Oddest Jobs.” For starters, I’m not entirely certain that “oddest” is a word. That’s kind of like “funnest.” And just as a side note, we kill more trees in that class than construction companies do in the Amazon. I honestly return home from class with a solid two pounds of paper that I don’t even glance at. To my point. Out of boredom I began looking through the list and found some ridiculous discoveries. I’ll list them and my thoughts accordingly for your easy reading:
1) Knife Thrower’s Assistant: “What they do: Act as human targets for the knife thrower.” Are you serious?? That’s a JOB? Do you have to go to college for this? Do you even need a pulse? Why do you need a HUMAN target? Paint a red circle on a hay stack; do not throw knives at me you evil nut job. That’s not a job, it’s a death wish.
2) Dog Food Tester: “What they do: Taste and analyze dog food samples and write reviews on the results.” People do this? You’re kidding me. For starters, dogs will eat just about anything. Who’s to say they are or are NOT going to enjoy the bacon flavored Kibbles N Bits? I trust Bruno over Steve the dog food tester. Dogs lick their butts and enjoy it. Who are you to judge what they like? If you want to eat questionable food for a living, go to Burge on leftovers day.
3) Bonfire Builder: “What they do: Gather discarded wood from trash bins, beaches, construction scrap heaps and similiar areas to expertly build bonfires.” This is a career? Sorry, I thought that was called being “homeless.”
4) Gum Buster: “What they do: Remove gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and other unwanted areas by de-sticking the gum through a steaming process.” People get paid for this? I thought they only did this on Elf. “De-sticking;” is that a scientific term? Who cares that there’s gum stuck to the sidewalk? I don’t. Steaming process? What, is there like a little blow dryer looking contraption that steams gum? I wonder who invented THAT. I hope the got the Nobel Prize. Fags.
5) Wax Figure Maker: “What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often, but not limited to, the human form.” Yeah, we did that when we were too young to develop fine motor skills. I know monkeys that could do this.
And my favorite,
6) Mermaid: I didn’t believe it myself. The description provided was: “What they do: Entertain crowds as an underwater performer.” I thought the bearded woman was enough of a freak show. Last time I went to Sea World, I wanted to see the sea lions and Shamu; not some skank with a tail and a seashell bra. Get away from me you walking circus with your gills and scales.
That’s enough to melt your brain for now, I’m sure. Drop out of college: there are plenty of possibilities for success out there kids.